My Soap Opera-As the Log Burns

As The Log Burns....the daily soap opera of my life right now LOL...As anyone reading knows by the short text blogs recently, or because it is all I've been tweeting and facebooking about...we've been dealing with heating the new house with wood.

The house has electric baseboard heaters and a propane "fireplace" heater/stove for a heat source. When we moved in we had no idea that the propane stove here was such an inefficient way to heat. But when the tanks that were 65% full on closing day dropped to 18% full, and a quick calculation by hubby revealed we burned through over $400 in propane in less then 3 weeks, we figured that other sources of heating were absolutely necessary right away!!

After we recovered from near heart failure from this discovery, we shut off the propane heater and discovered that the baseboard heaters that were set to 10 degrees Celsius were actually throwing off about 17 degrees C, so when the hydro bill comes I plan to be sitting before we open it.( This whole thing just makes me wish we could get off the grid even faster, then our plan and intent.. the wind here is amazing!!!).

Our water is heated by the propane as well, so we've been using the remainder of the propane for hot water and it has dropped down to about 14 % full now since then. With the propane heater off, and a warm spell in the weather, we quickly found a wood stove to buy. I had been searching for a cheap as possible option on a wood stove anyway as we had planned to heat the house with wood partially, and "at some point" but we didn't anticipate that we'd have to resort to wood almost completely right away.

We are regular users/givers of the Freecycle type community based programs locally, so I had asked there, but nothing was available for free that we could get here without a rental of a forklift and a huge truck, but a person we freecycle with regularly who has become a friendly acquaintance, emailed me and said for a donation to her charity of $50 she would sell me a woodstove she had stored away for her living room since she was in the middle of renovating and wouldn't be able to utilize the stove until over a year from now.

It was very thoughtful of her to do, as she now will need to find another wood stove when she has her renovations done next year. I was happy to make a donation to her charity helping people in the 3rd world with books and personal hygiene items and clothes she boxes and mails to them. She also offered us a bunch of fallen down deadwood in her back yard that we can come and gather at our leisure through the winter, which I was supposed to go get today...but could not do... and I'll touch on that later..... So we installed the woodstove over a couple of days, with a few trips to the city to try and find proper stove pipes for the hole in the wall provided for the stove! ( someone didn't measure!! Ahem... not ME) That was most frustrating, but it gave me the opportunity for a drive by myself to the city while everyone rested at home, and I got to see the new Lowe's Store that just opened. A peacefull drive alone is a rarity around here. The night we got the wood stove installed, a wind storm provided us with some fallen trees to burn almost right away, and we managed to scavenge some free broken pallets from large boxstores to break up to burn to get us through the first week.

On the first days of gathering fallen trees, the small circular saw on a dying battery and the reciprocating saw on battery as well ( crappy JobMate from Canadian Tire set), proved to be pretty useless after the first few minutes or trying to cut through nay peice of wood, but i was better then nothing and t provided us the ability to cut enough of a line in the branches to crack them with our feet and body weight.

Scrambling for a better option for tools after the holiday seasons with little left in our bank accounts, we made the executive decision that a chain saw was necessary for us to be able to deal with heating the house with free wood. This meant we would have to tap into the kids allowance account. We just cannot afford to purchase a cord of seasoned firewood right now, after the moving costs, and the holidays so close together on our minimal monthly income our pensions give us.

We used most of what we had left in the budget and moving allowance to already purchase the wood stove and pipes necessary to get it installed. But, my 8 year old Daughter has a bank account that half of her allowance gets deposited into monthly and any gift money she is given for birthdays and holidays. She has been saving up since early September for a new camera, which we promised to help her buy by matching her dollar for dollar for. She already has the Canon camera she wants picked out, but we are waiting for it to go on sale to save a few extra dollars, so we informed her of the delay and reassured her that the camera will happen, but that it needed to be delayed for the sake of heating the house right now. She was a little worried, but with reassurances she understood and with her contribution we had enough with what we had left in our monthly budget for emergencies to be able to combine it to purchase a decent little 13 pound Poulin gas powered chainsaw for $140 ish at Lowe's. My 3 year old son was excited that it was green and matched my Virgin Mobile LG Rumor Phone...LOL.. truth be told I kinda was too :)

Having grown up in the country and also helping out at Dh's Aunt's campground in years past I know how to work a chain saw well enough to look like I know what I'm doing, and as long as it is not too heavy, and I can start it, I figured I could do pretty well at using it myself to keep us in free wood for as long as possible, and do a majority of the physical work my hubby is unable to do due to the limiting nature of his disability.

The first few days, he wore himself out using it, and he had to start it for me. It took a bit to figure out how to get it started, and I near ripped my arm off the first few times I went out side to our wood pile to gather some wood for the house. Funny enough... if you read the manual all the way through step by step...the instructions actually tell you what you need to do to be successfull at starting the darn thing LOL...Being ADHD, I'm kinda like a guy... I don't read manuals well.They are boring to me...takes too much time. I'm more suited to Ikea type picture directions with no words or just stumbling through things until I figure it out, or give up in frustration and have to concede that I need help or to read the manual.

So the last 3 weeks or so have been filled with busy busy days or physical hard work, not very much unpacking, and faling behind on regular housework like getting Laundry done. Every day feels like the groundhog day movie with Bill Murray...Wake up...Get up, start the fire, get the house warm again, eating, feeding the kids breakfast, going out to cut the pallets we've collected on our trips to bring in wood for the day, going for drives to collect dead fall that people on freecycle have said we could go pick up, or going for drives to wooded public land areas near the lake where there is older deadfall laying on the ground we could chunk up and filling the back of our minivan with and bringing it home. OR scavenging pallets from stores in the city when we are there for other purposes.Come home...prepare dinner together, which has been nice since we have not done that in AGES, and was one of the prime reasons for buying the house with the master bedroom on the main floor ( to give hubby more access and ability of his own)

We all do the collecting of the deadfall together...I do the cutting of the pallets and wood to burnable sizes at home mostly, and bring it in two times a day in a yardcart, and hubby makes the heat :) He's great at building fires,being the boy scout he is :) and the stone floor and brick wall the stove is on is like a heat sink and just keeps the heat in it for hours. We are able to maintain a decent enough temp in the living areas of the house and have the bedrooms be a bit cooler. Slippers and sweaters and snuggling with lap blankets are necessary at times, but it's cozy, and we're warm enough...we're not shivering, or chattering our teeth with blue lips by any means.

The transition to wood heat that is more hands on and needs to be tended to has not been too difficult for us. We've been down this road before when we live in Cape Breton, and I grew up heated by wood stoves. The ability to just turn on a thermostat is an ability a lot in our society in this day an age take for granted. I thought of my childhood and called home to thank my father for working so hard all those years ( he's STILL doing it!) to keep us warm.

I've been pretty impressed with ourselves and our ability to heat the house for essentially nothing once you subtract the purchase of tools like chainsaw and Maul Axe, and ongoing small amounts of gas and oil, but a big pile of wood in my driveway would not be turned away, or unappreciated. we're still living out of boxes due to the need to change over this early in our move.

My kids have a new appreciation for being warm, and the cost of keeping a house warm, and my three year old keeps going around the house telling me to shut off lights cause I'm "waisting the lectrickity"

I love the wood stove. It carries a lot of good memories for me growing up rural, and being warmed by the fire after being outside in the cold winter day sledding, or skiiing. Hubby loves tneding the fire, as there is something Zen and medatative about building a fire to warm us.

The kids love the wood stove too, and enjoyed sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows next to it to warm up after an attempt two days ago at skating on the frozen Mill pond across the road from our house....

Which brings me to today....and Why I have the time to sit here and FINALLY blog about it all.... and why I could not go and gather the dead wood at the friends house whom we bought the woodstove from, before the cold weather came on tonight...plain and simple... I shoveled the pond for skating... and I hurt myself.. again! :( You would think I'd learn, but I've never any other year in all my 34 years hurt myself shoveling like this... I've had sore arms from the workout or using an axe and chainsaw, etc, but I REALLY hurt myself again like on Solstice! Feeling like I put my lower back/pelvis out of alignment again.

Pain sucks...and today I was supposed to go cut up wood and bring it home to keep our heat going and I just could not... I can hardly get from the bed to the couch, where I sit now, typing this with a wireless keyboard on my lap.

I certainly cannot operate a chainsaw and axe today, bend and lift, and drive, and do all the things necessary to keep us in wood. I brought in what I could manage the other day and we burned through that the last two days, and then today we had nothing in the house. The temp was around plus 1 celcius, but snow and rain mix iwas forcast for the evening ( which it is doing now) and then 4 to 5 days of -12 to -20 degree temps.. not good collecting wood temps! Unsure of what to do I was chatting with a friend on facebook about my back, and when she asked how I was feeling and if there was anything she could do to help, I took her offer of help. Not sure if it was doable because it was a BIG favor, I asked if she knew anyone who heats with wood and could she see if they could spare a donation of some wood to get us through the next few really cold days until my back heals up enough for me to get back at sawing and cutting and splitting etc...she said to leave it with her, and got back to me a little while later, and called me to say she is on her way out with some wood for us...so I sit here waiting for her arrival, worried about the roads and her travelling in it, ever greatful for kindness and great people in our lives, wondering how I can pay it back in kind at some point.

My children being their usual energetic selves, drove me crazy this morning because I could hardly move and they were jumping all around me, and ON me and I could not tolerate even noise from the pain...they soon thereafter showed their compassionate sides and offered to come outside and help me gather the little bit of wood I could manage to gather with pain meds in me, and cut up with a table saw in the work shop so I wouldn't have to bend over, in order to keep the fire going today.

And somewhere on the coast of Scotland, a tubular log maker is making it's way to the Shetland Islands to my cousin's house, from a kind woman giving it to us, and posting it at her cost to my cousin, who is in turn going to box it, with other goodies from her family over across the pond to us ASAP, so we can utilize the abundance of cardboard and newspaper here to use as alternative fuel for the woodstove as well.

Though I feel sick to my stomach from the codine I'm taking for the pain, and a little spinny in the head too, and sore...I am smiling because we are blessed with warmth, by fire, and by kindness from people in our lives.

Homeowner

We went to the lawyers office today and signed the papers to close the deal on the house. All the money has been paid to land transfer taxes, to the lawyers, deposit to the seller and first mortgage payment has been made.We asked the lawyer to try and see if they could firm up the lose ends tomorrow instead of waiting until Monday and possibly getting the keys tomorrow so we'd have the weekend to move fragile stuff like gerbils, budgies, and plants. He said that the sellers lawyer usually takes of Fridays, but he'd call him this afternoon with all the paperwork and details to see if they could firm it up tomorrow for us. So we're hoping the layers call us tomorrow with the good news that we can pick up the keys and the house will be ours to start moving stuff on Saturday.

We then went for a drive to the house to have a look and they have it all cleaned out and vacuumed and ready for us to just move our stuff in. Looks like the rowing machine and the large painting I was hoping they'd leave behind is still there :) I only want the painting for the frame and the canvas I plan on painting over it.

The Kids are stressed out and picking at each other and driving ME and themselves nuts. DD doesn't do well with change ( read "no puke pills" in 2005 archives) and little ADHD boy is climbing the walls and hanging off my last nerve. I keep breatheing but I'm about to hyperventilate LOL, thank goodness for a blog to vent.

hubby the darling that he is, thought ahead and burned a bunch of our DVDS to one disk for them in the dvd player and they are in their room watching Lilo & stitch 2. we bartered with them for staying in their room with the video, to stay out of my way to empty the attic. Some would call it bribing, and say it is a negative thing to do, but I look at it as teaching compromise and symbiotic relationships.A handy tool to know in life.

Just taking a break from emptying the attic currently...seasonal stuff and baby stuff I wanna keep for when the kids have kids ( bassinet, crib toy etc) Now that I'm all done having babies...oh my gosh, can you IMAGINE how much more I'd be moving right now if we still had baby stuff younger then 3 yo stuff to move? so thankful and blessed to be the family we are.

OK one more paragraph and this will be bordering on procrastination. I hate the attic stairs theya re like a ladder and very rickety.

First Snow of the Year

While every where else around us has had enough snow to play with, we here, being so close to the lake, can't count on the weather systems to work the same way for everyone else. we are jetted out into lake Ontario, are are very often in our own little world when it comes to precipitation.

So, only today did we finally accumulate enough snow for the kids to actually be able to get dressed and go outside and play. It's a very dense wet snow and while not a welcome sight for hubby or I with us moving to our new house in 5 days, it IS the perfect snow for sledding and snowmen, which please the children beyond belief.

This is the first real winter that Bupba has the vocabulary to express himself well as the unique individual that he is. He's decided that he doesn't like snow pants and mittens because they make him sweaty.


I discovered this when I was packing the yard stuff on the trailer a friend lent me, when bupba came outside in just his spider man Halloween suit, boots and a wide open coat informing me of just how sweaty and yucky they made him.

Thankfully it is half snow and half rain so it is only about 2 degrees celcuis outside so he didn't freeze, but he will sure learn that mitts and snow pants are a welcome wardrobe for Canadian winters.

My daughter decided on making a snowman, and started one before we left to go grab more packing boxes from some stores in town, but came home to find that the said friend who'd brought by the trailer for us to use, had run over her snowman...she's doesn't build em big, so it was understandable that he didn't see it in his huge pickup truck backing the trailer into our yard.

when we got back, DD rebuilt her snow girl.
Bupba shoveled snow things around the yard while I put the yard stuff getting covered in snow into the trailer and then threw the shed roof over the top of it to keep it all from getting more covered with snow.

I've been so busy packing and cleaning and getting this move sorted out, that I haven't really been stopping to smell the roses like I try to do on a daily basis. So for a few minutes while outside I grabbed the small camera and took some pictures of the kids, and just stood in the yard and looked at the snow covered trees and took a breath.


It was nice, for just a moment I forgot that our life is housed in boxes right now.

Then I came inside and the crashing reality of just why we are moving hit me like a lead brick. the front hall in the house really sucks...you walk in from the front door, and there is stairs to go up, and then a door to the living room. And in the winter this hallway gets soaked with snow on the floor, wet clothes, and boots,mitts, hats and scarves. 4 people trying to undress from winter clothing in a 3 by 6 "hallway" really sucks...kind of like when I was in my 20's and would take the TTC home from work at rush hour being packed like sardines, but all trying to take off your boots and coat and not get your socks wet all at the same time. it's a chaotic awkward ballet of sorts.
This first snow was a reminder of just exactly why we are so blessed to be moving to a new house.

Exciting News for Us!!

I thought I'd write a blog entry and let everyone know about our amazing news!!!

We bought a house! Now I know everyone buys houses every day, and that might not seem like a big deal, but the circumstances surrounding the purchase are amazing and if it were not for good karma and good people, this never would have happened.

DH's aunt has been trying to help us buy a house now for over two years, and due to circumstances that are too long to explain, we were chopped off at the knees every time we found a house we thought we could get due to CMHC saying no, because of a house DH owned with his first wife over 15 years ago. It foreclosed while it was still in his name as they were separating, because she took over the house and was supposed to be buying him out, and didn't.She just let it foreclose and vanished into thin air.

Anyway, to CMHC DH is "high risk".. not sure how long they hold stuff over your head like that but seems like forever at this point! and since CMHC has right of first refusal for mortgage insurance.. all the other ones declined as well. ( What the point is of the others, I'm not really sure anymore!)

Anyway....back to this house.

I've been taking DD7 to a market at a small village close to here every Saturday morning to sell her photography on notecards we've been making and just LOVE this little village. They have a small fair day every year, and it is a very quaint village/hamlet here. It reminds me very much of the place I grew up in Cape Breton, which was also an old milling village ( grain/grist mills)

We've spent a fair bit of this summer fishing out of that mill pond and enjoying BBQ dinners on the sore of the pond, and walking through the village just enjoying the tranquility of the place, saying things like " it would be so nice to live here, too bad there is nothing for sale"

Anyway, at the market, Dh told me to get to know the locals and ask about rentals and properties for sale around because we really need to get out of this house for His health and also for all our sanity.

So I did what I do best... I made friends with everyone, and chatted and talked a bit and discovered that a house that I noticed before in July and only passed by due to it being out of our price range, was no longer "on the market" and was owned by a local winery and that they house the farm hands there in the summer and it sits empty in the winter, and he was interested in selling it because he was building bunk houses on the vineyard due to the price of gas now and didn't want to pay to shuttle them from the village out to the feilds daily anymore after this year. Though the listing had just ended and they were waiting to re-list it, I was told who the real estate agent was, and I was assured that I could probably offer much less and that it would likely be accepted.( small town gossip)

I got the info and called the real estate agent, and made arrangements to go see the house.

I should have said that a week before this DH's Aunt called me with the name of a mortgage broker who thought she'd be able to help and that by now after a year of jumping through their hoops CMHC would not be an obstacle. Had I not known about her as a contact I might have over looked the house completely, but I figured what could it hurt.

We put in an offer, and after a stressfull week of waiting to hear we were declined by CMHC AGAIN! :( I bawled my eyes out!!!!! I didn't know what to do...this house was PERFECT for us and was meant to be and I could SEE us living there and making a life there and the kids growing up there and even see our future grandkids running through the house there.....it was that strong a feeling in me.

Against the advice of DH, who is ever the "realist" ( but I call jaded due to the crappy hand he has been dealt over the years) I wrote the real estate agent an email. Before this happened we agreed to go with him as the agent rather then bring in our previous agent from last year on it, because it was going to be a straight forward purchase and I just got an uneasy feeling when I thought about going with her, and I could feel good vibes from this real estate agent.

So I wrote him a letter after we were declined and told him we had been declined and why, ( though I had warned him from the beginning that it could be a possibility as it was in the past) and I told him how I felt we were right for that home and I JUST knew it was meant to be ours.

I told him how DH got sick, how it has affected our lives, what it means for us daily, and how it plays on the kids and the family emotionally, etc, and told him every way I could see that this house would make DH's quality of living 1000% better. And then I asked him if there was any way he could go and present a vendor take back mortgage to the owner. ( the seller holds a second mortgage we pay for a period of time until we can get a conventional mortgage)

He wrote back and said he wasn't sure if it would fly, but he'd give it his best shot. I told him I'd appreciate him just asking for us.

He wrote back and asked me a bunch of other questions about insurances, afford ability, etc, and I was upfront with him and honest and broke down our finances for him and explained in detail how we as a family of 4 live off of 3000 dollars a month and how we COULD afford this home. He asked for some references and called them and confirmed we've never been late for our rent ever, have always maintained our utilities bills, and even called around the community to a good friend & a past neighbor who ran the advertising department at the newspaper who he dealt with for his real estate ads, and possible future neighbors I had met at the market and DH's Aunt who he knows from the bank ( in a small town every one knows everyone) to see how they felt about us. Everyone apparently gave "raving recommendation of approval" for us to be homeowners and said we deserved it more then anyone they know!!

After all of that, the real estate agent took this info to the Owner, and he apparently felt so moved by our circumstances and our determination to not let it beat us down in life that he offered to do a vendor take back mortgage for us AND knocked almost $20,000 off the price of the house!!!!!!!!!! So we can have this house paid for in 15 to 20 years, not 40 like we would of had to do if we had of done a conventional mortgage!!! I was shocked...it turned out that the real estate agent and the Owner went to school together, and the real estate agent brought it to him, and that made it easier to fly, since the agent thought he should do it. The agent also waived ALL his commissions on the sale as his "gift" to us!!!!!

When the real estate agent called us on our 10th anniversary and told me this I started bawling my eyes out!!!! my neighbor heard me as I was sitting on the front porch on the phone and thought someone had died!!! She asked if everything was ok, and I shred the news with her, and she was extatic for us and we hugged and cried too! Then I ran upstairs where my DH esentially lives in this house due to his inability to use the stairs well, and told him and he started crying in shock, disbeleif and amazement. We hugged for like 15 minutes!!!

As we were getting ready to head out for our Anniversary dinner ( that we really could not afford but were going to do anyway and just be minimal) the agent called us back and said that dinner was on him and go and enjoy. When he had called to tell us the news, he asked if I was busy and I had mentioned the place when I said we were just getting ready to go out for dinner for our anniversary. He called ahead and had it paid for!)

DH is so happy and excited, the kids are excited but as normal kids worried about making new friends and leaving behind old ones though we are only moving 11 klm away.

So, we signed the deal yesterday and it is official, we bought a house... and we move in late November/1st December when the picking is done and the workers vacate the house.

So let me tell you why this house is perfect us and was meant to be.

The house is an old bakery and is over 108 years old - I was a cake decorator in my former life ( before kids that is LOL, and do some decorating on the side for the community) and I worked in a bakery in my early 20's. My mother and my grandmother were bakers/cake decorators.

The bathroom is on the main floor, and has a deep whirl pool bathtub, and DH will be able to start his daily hydrotherapy when we move in!!!!!

The kitchen is HUGE, which I have always loved and wanted!!Being from teh east coast the kitchen is the hub of the home.

We can make the living room into a master bedroom easily for us so DH can live on one floor of the house, and we can make the house easily wheelchair accessible in the most likely event that will one day need to use a wheelchair and or a walker.This house will allow us to live independently until we are either no longer living in our old age, or they need to drag us out of it to a nursing home because we can't take care of ourselves anymore.

The house had three bedrooms upstairs and we can put in a washroom upstairs for the kids and company with relative ease, the kids will have a room each a and a study for homeschooling and crafts etc.

The downstairs has a nice sitting area with a wood stove off the kitchen we can use as the family room since we'll be taking over the living room as our bedroom.

The yard is fully fenced in. So no more anxiety for me with the kids playing outside and me needing to watch their every single move in this crappy neighborhood we are in now. There is a workshop on the property big enough for DH to have a private work shop where he can arrange all his tools so I won't be tripping over them anymore and he can go there and use and when he gets to tired can just leave them where they are, lock it up and go for a nap and then go back to later. It will give him purpose again in life!

The additional area of the workshop was an antique showroom and is nicely laid out to be able to make a photography gallery and studio for all of us and For DD7 who is gaining publicity for her art in the county, and we can sign on to be a part of the art gallery tours in the summer.

We can literally spit on the post office as it is next door to us, the library is right there, and the mill pond DH has been fishing in all summer is right across the road! we can easily put the canoe in the pond without strapping it to the roof and wasting precious energy on going to the water to canoe for a little while.

If ANYTHING was ever meant to be, this was!!!!!

Anyway we are MAJOR excited and feel so blessed by the love and kindness of strangers we have had in our lives, and I wanted to share that with you all, and thank you for your unending moral support

My Son's Birth Story

Between the birth of our daughter and the conception of our son, my husband became seriously disabled, so though we truly believe in Unabirth and desired to do things our way, we had decided to hire a hands off midwife to do my prenatal care for the pregnancy, and for back up at the birth.

We wanted urine checks, heart tone checks, and one ultrasound to determine placement of placenta etc, which I feel is personally important when planning a possible unassisted birth t rule out things that can cause variations from normal in births, like trying to deal with placenta previa.

We also wanted a back up plan in case DH was feeling to tired or in pain to be my complete support for the birth. There were many things that made us both uncomfortable about hiring a midwife at all, but it was the best compromise we could come to in order to ensure that I felt supported in case he wasn't able to support me, and still have our home water birth.

His illness causes him to need to spend a lot of time in bed due to severe pain and fatigue to the extent that he cannot lift his head off the pillow and we never know when those days will be. But thanks to adrenalin on his part when I went into labour he was a super dad and my perfect and full support through the 3 days of labouring. ( for which he paid dearly for health wise afterwards for over a month)

On Monday, January the 31st, 2005, 38 weeks pregnant, I woke up sore and in pain as usual for the end of this pregnancy, my hips were so loose and in pain now I could hardly walk upright. My swollen belly was very large and very much entering the room before I did. My feet were swollen with edema and looked like fat flinstone feet. With being only 4 foot 11, there is no where else to carry baby but OUT IN FRONT, so I looked like a living and breathing weeble, and felt pretty crappy at this point. Along with my already existing carpel tunnel in my right wrist, my hands were cramped and swollen and in severe pain with pregnancy induced tendonitits from hormones loosening everything to get ready for this birth since the 6th month, and I could barely function on daily basis from heart burn. I would cry the pain in my hands were so unbearable at times. I was falling asleep whenever I sat down on the couch from pure exhaustion from not being able to sleep comfortably all night long. Sleeping sitting up on the couch with ice packs on my hands on my chest was the only place I could get any comfort for short periods of time. DH has told me that how I was feeling through this pregnancy was very similar to how he feels every day with his illness. I just don't know how he manages that kind of pain daily. It gave me a new appreciation for his illness.

Early that afternoon, I called my neighbour, S to say hi and just chat as usual. Though she just lived across the hall, literally less than 6 feet away, we chatted on the phone to allow us to get other things done at the same time. In the last few weeks of this pregnancy she was coming over daily to do my dishes, help me clean up and organize the living area of the apartment for the birth, and help me feed my daughter as I could barley even butter and cut toast my hands were so bad. She was an absolute savior to me! I couldn't ask for a better friend.

I was feeling crampy low in my pelvic area that day like premenstrual cramps, and I mentioned it to her and told her I was feeling close and not sure I wanted to go anywhere that day. I knew that feeling was cervical changes happening. She said I should stay home if I felt that way, but I knew that I had to go out, because it was the last day of our family swim pass at the rec centre and throughout this pregnancy we went swimming as a family as much as possible, for fun and exercise. My 4 year old daughter was looking forward to swimming that night. I could not let her down.

I puttered about the apartment for a few hours trying to cook us some food and then got dressed to go. I was still feeling crampy, but not any contractions. We got ready to go at about 4 pm. DH wanted to go to the Zellers first as he and our daughter were looking for a "bear bear" like her's that she could give the baby when he/she would finally arrive. ( a musical soothing sounds bear with a light in his tummy, that she still sleeps with, since birth)

As we were getting in the truck I felt some stronger twinges like contractions, but I dismissed them and kept getting ready to go, warming up and clearing snow off the truck on a cold snowy day... While sitting and driving things felt fine. I had already told DH I was feeling closer, but because I had been saying it was getting close for 3 weeks he didn't believe me. I was 38 weeks that day and knew from about 35 weeks that I would not make it to see 39 or more weeks of pregnancy.

We got to the store and went in to look around, I was lagging behind as I had to go slow with the swaying hips and fat feet. I walked half way of the length of the store isle and I was really having starting to have a lot of front contractions.They were so strong, it took my concentration away and I could barley walk 6 feet without getting hit by one and needing to hold on to a store shelf and breathe! They looked at a few things but didn't buy anything, as I was feeling pretty urgent at wanting to get home where I was safe.

Though he was irritated that I was adamant we go home, DH agreed it seemed like we needed to go. We got back to the truck and drove across town in rush hour afternoon traffic. I was doing the driving since DH cannot drive well with his disability and contractions were about 10 minutes apart. I kept thinking as I looked at cars passing me, or sitting at red lights beside me.." I'm in labour here...drive careful!" You never know under what conditions people on the road are driving under do you!

All the way home, as we explained that the baby was making mommy's body have the belly waves we talked about, and we needed to get home, my 4 year old daughter was getting mad that it was still January and we told her the baby was coming in February, so he just had to wait and we still had to go swimming! LOL

We got home and I knocked on S's door. She was surprised to see us back so soon. I told her this was likely "it" and she needed to clear her calender, and come on over when she was prepped. Having your daughter's "doula" living 6 feet across the hall, only separated by two apartment doors was a great advantage. The next few hours was a buzz of action of setting up the pool, running water in it and getting comfortable. The contractions seemed to slow down when I was sitting still, so I hung out on the ball and then in the pool. DD ran and got her bathing suit on and joined me in the pool. It helped her feel less upset about missing swimming I think. She stayed until it bothered me to have her in there and she was splashing around too much while I tried to breathe through a contraction.

This began the marathon of the 3 days of labour.Yes THREE day... I'm living proof that "Failure to progress" DOES NOT EXIST if your patient :)

During the three days, much refilling of the pool went on, getting out to pee, to walk, and bounce on the birthing ball. DH was timing contractions and it seemed like I was having clusters of contractions and then it would stop for an hour or more. We ordered Swiss Chalet Chicken dinner to be delivered ( my favourite) and stuck " knock quietly- birth in progress" on the door for the delivery man. Then switched it to "DO NOT DISTURB- Birth In Progress" afterwards.

Through the first evening we called my brother in law (I call them BIL1, or 2, or 3, or 4, starting with the oldest behind my DH being BIL1 and down to differentiate from the 4 of them)

We asked BIL2 to pick up some things for us and drop them off since the only driver in our home was a bit busy contracting in the pool. ( S didn't drive either) We needed diapers for the early days as I didn't want to use cloth for the mec poops and pulling out a washer to wash them in my babymoon was not my idea of fun. We also needed a few groceries we had not picked up. We were fairly certain that BIL2 was the only family member we could call who wouldn't want to stay and would not tell anyone else we were in labour.We wanted peace and quiet and no calls of " did you have it yet" ... We were right :) Though he emailed for the three days to see how things were doing and then was the first family member to visit afterwards when the baby was just hours old, he was happy to leave us be.

I had called my midwife through the evening to let her know that I was having intermittent contractions so she would be aware that I may call her at any time to come if and when we wanted her.

We hung out for a while.. me in the pool, hubby on the couch, my daughter being cared for by S for food and bedtime routines etc.. and keeping her occupied and away from us so DH and I could have some time alone in the living room/kitchen where the pool was set up. S was amazing and I don't think it would have been the same without her there.

IT was rather nice 3 days, being cut off from world news, just being there in the moment. The water was so great I LOVED just lazing in the pool. Between contractions I slept in the pool, watched tv from the pool, talked on the phone from the pool. I was enjoying this part, the contractions were handle-able at this point though I had to breathe through them. I had all back labour with my daughter and front contractions were nice to feel. I was getting to labour finally, as I had missed out with my daughter's birth 4 and bit years earlier not knowing I was in real labour until my water broke and her arriving 17 minutes later.

I got on Monday night chat with some internet birthing sisters and sat on my birthing ball naked at the computer just reading and snacking and talking about the labour so far. It helped to pass the time as the contractions were still coming throughout the whole time, every 10, then every 15, then every 5, in small clusters. I'd have longer breaks of nothing as well. and that would be when I would pace the apartment or get back in the pool hoping walking would bring things back a bit.

By midnight with nothing really happening, but contractions still coming every 10 minutes... I called my midwife to see what she was thinking ( should we try to bring on some more labour, or just rest) She advised I just try to get some rest if possible and let things take it's time. Just what I wanted to hear :)

I got about 4 hours of sleep, and apparently DH got none, because he said that through my sleep I started contracting and moaned and rocked through them in my sleep. He timed every one of them.The darling

Day two and now at about hour 16, my midwife called to see how I was doing, and I said pretty much the same, clusters of contractions then times of not much at all, I said I was good for now and she advised me that her back up would have to come if I called anytime soon as she was having some personal family emergency issues going on.

Through the day we filled the pool again and again, taking out small amounts through the water bed kit and then adding back in hot water to warm it up again, I chatted on the computer, talked to S, laughed and listened to Mozart, let my daughter come in the pool with me for a bit again.

The backup midwife called at about 3 in the afternoon and asked how I was doing and I requested that she come out when she could to check the heart tones. She was in the city and would not be able to make it until later in the evening, to which I agreed was ok as I felt fine, I just wanted some reassurance the baby was ok with so long a labour so far.

During the evening about an hour before she came, DH checked my cervix for dilation and I was still well dilated but the baby's head had not moved down any further. He could feel the bag of waters bulging a bit through the cervix and the baby's head behind it. I reminded him to leave the waters be to break on their own when they decided to.

He remarked that he could feel the suture lines of the baby's skull plates more to the side when he probed and he thought the baby was perhaps stuck acynclitic. We needed to wiggle him out of that position and let him re engage in my pelvis more straight on in order to see some progress beyond this point. It felt right to me, so we got on the bed on a pillow wedge for sitting up in bed, and put my butt way up in the air and my head down on the mattress and DH used his hands to wiggle the baby up and out of my pelvis. I got up and I felt more "full" right away so we determine that it worked. The back pain started after we unstuck him. DH then checked dilation again and felt like I was half way dilated now as compared to before.

The back up midwife showed up a little after this and did a doppler check and the heart tones were good and strong. Contractions at the moment were not happening, she asked if she could do a dilation check and stomach palpitation to see position of the baby. She felt the bottom of my stomach above my pelvis and told me where his head was. I told her " ya I know, we just put it there" LOL. She confirmed that the baby's was head down and I was about 5 centimetres dilated now. She told me it would be a while yet as I was not progressed very far, and there was a ways to go yet... LOL. I'm sure they think I was a early labouring complainer LOL, when I was really having active bouts of labour with the baby trying to get down farther to come out but couldn't.

The acynclitic position was not documented on my records since we did this ourselves and they didn't witness it. I'm not sure to this day if they really believe he was crooked, though his little ear was smooshed and he had a sore neck and a preferred side to nurse on for the first week, from the contractions trying to push him out crooked all that time. It is kind of funny that they didn't witness this, and we diagnosed this minor stall in progress ourselves, but to prove that stuck babies don't need c sections, I wish they had of seen it before we unstuck him. I am so proud of my mid-husband for caring for me and his baby the way he did, he truly was an amazing birth companion and support.

The midwife went out for coffee for an hour and said she would come back to see how things were progressing and to see if we wanted anything to speed the process. She was an amazing gentle woman from England, and I just felt so calm in her presence. She remarked how beautiful I was standing there naked swaying my hips from side to side as we talked, and she remarked at how the body is an amazing thing and a mother in labour is an amazing thing to see when they follow their instincts.

We ordered Boston Pizza's BBQ Chicken Pizza for a late dinner and it arrived when she had come back to check again. There was no progress, but baby's tones were well, and I was glad for the reassurance. I refused any interventions to which she was happy to comply with, she was just letting me know what was at my disposal if I wanted it. She suggested just getting some rest for when transition hit and things would be fine. After she left we ate pizza and hung out until after midnight, timing contractions , sitting in the pool, getting on the birth ball.

I had a prenatal appointment the next day so she or my primary care midwife would be there at that time to do a check up.

We stayed up late talking, laughing, labouring in the pool, taking labour pictures, emailing, timing contractions ( DH needed something to do) When the contractions came on they were intense, but they were still in clusters and the cervical progress was slow, very very slow.

Somewhere around this point now we started saying that I'd had enough labouring to make up for none with the first baby and anytime now would be nice to see some progress. I figured it would be while yet as DH had jinxed me early on Monday evening when labour first started, saying that a ground hog day baby would be cool. BY this point is was looking like it would be!

I got about 6 hours of sleep, and DH, once again could not sleep. I got up early the next day, and called S and she came back over across the hall to help with Anj and have breakfast with me. A local fellow AP mom friend was chatting on MSN with me and I as telling her I was in labour. I asked her if she could do me a favour and run to the store for me and I'd pay her when she got here. I asked for a few things and she said she'd drop it off on her way to the zoo with the kids. She ended up bringing over a care package of much more then I asked for, and refused any money. What a doll! I was thankful for the fast snacks like yogurt and fruit, and the pads I realized I'd need once the baby came. DH was thankful for the pick me up of a case of coke, he needed some caffeine he was so tired. She wished me good labour vibes and went on her way.

I convinced DH to go lay down for a few hours around noon as he was exhausted. It was hard to convince him, but he eventually went and I sat on the birthing ball chatting and writing email to pass the time. I snacked and chit chatted with S who was an amazing "doula" and helper through the whole 3 days flitting about cleaning things and keeping our daughter entertained.

By about 1 I started to feel stronger contractions that I had to really concentrate through. S would watch as I would stop talking and lean over the ball and put my hands on it, in a standing cat yoga pose arching my back and breathe deeply and moan. We would then continue on between contractions with our idle chat as if it were any other regular day... I loved that!

After a while I couldn't them handle alone anymore and I knew we were actually getting somewhere. Only after 45 minutes of sleep I went to talk to DH and asked him to get up and be with me now, as I couldn't handle them alone anymore and I needed him. He knew I was serious as I was crying as I begged him to get up and then he witnessed me have another on the side of our bed.

He was getting back up and I got back in the pool and about 15 minutes later my primary midwife knocked on the door. As she came in and asked how I was doing, I told her we were finally getting somewhere as I just had a few contractions that made me emotional and cry.

At our last appointment we agreed that she'd bring the student midwife with her to meet me to prepare for her to attend my birth. Believing in helping home birth revolution again, I agreed to have a student attend my birth so they could count it as one of the many births they need to witness for their training.

Well, thinking I was not really going to have this baby any time soon the student came as well,expecting to do a prenatal visit. So, there I am naked in a pool, inviting a stranger into my home while I'm in labour about to birth my child. being it was Feb, I couldn't see asking her to wait in the car, and at this point I didn't really care anyway, I'm not shy, so I talked to her and grilled her between contractions about why she wanted to be a midwife, and how she got interested in birth at such a young age etc. I asked her what the most important thing about being a midwife was to her etc. I told her she was lucky that I liked her answers so I she could stay LOL.

The Midwife prepared her birthing supplies and started charting my progress and called other clients while I was in the pool to cancel appointments. My midwife asked if I would allow the student to do a heart tone check, as they need to record that every 15 minutes in active labour, I allowed her to do two checks, but then requested they stop monitoring anymore, as I was finding it intrusive.

Having such a small apartment with me, dh, S, a midwife, a student midwife, a back up midwife and my daughter was a bit cramped feeling. I found myself paying attention to the goings on around me more then going inward and concentrating, though they were trying to be quiet. I asked for some Mozart to be put back on the stereo. While sitting in the pool, I was having more and more back pain and I could not find a comfortable position any more. DH was starting to get annoyed as well with the buzz in the air and we were just about to ask them to leave the apartment for a while to go to S's for some tea until we called them back in, and I got a really strong contraction. As I was pulling up to get on my hands and knees my water broke- a very neat pop under the water of the pool, my amniotic fluid, clean and clear mixed with the water of the pool between my legs. Though I could not see it, I could feel it happen.

There was no asking them to leave now since immediately the back pain came screaming at me with such intensity I though I was going to die! DH went to get on his swim shorts and shirt ( we wanted to be alone and naked.. but oh well.) while I asked the student midwife to use counter pressure on my hips while on my knees but she could not push hard enough to make any relief , and her touching my just annoyed me that I snapped at her to stop, it wasn't working.

As with my daughters birth I thrashed around in the pool trying to find a comfortable position for when the urge to push would come.The contractions were on top of each other right away, the same as when my daughter was born. DH climbed in the pool with me and I was still on my hands and knees. He got in beside me and I grabbed onto him around his shoulders and neck. The contractions were so strong , and much more intense than my daughters birth, and I was grasping to concentrate through them. I growled like an animal with each one and complained about how much it was killing my back. With the next contraction I still was not feeling any desire to really push come on it's own and my midwife gently suggested that I try to do an efforted push rather then wait for the urge. Though I believe in letting the body do it's own work in it's own time even if it takes a few extra contractions, with the back pain I was having I thought this was a good idea to me.Fewer minutes of this back pain would be ok with me! On my hands and knees again, I pushed a bit with the next contractions and pooped in the pool as I was pushing. I told them I was doing so , so they were aware of it, as I was worried about the baby being born in crappy water. They reassured me it was ok and normal. I couldn't make my mouth say what I was thinking anymore at this point but I was thinking." You don't need to make me feel better about it, I don't care that I just shit in the pool, that's normal, just clean it out!"

Someone took care of scooping and I decide the hands and knees was not working well so I flipped over onto my butt and leaned into the sides of the wall of the pool. With the next contractions I yelled, groaned and screamed through the pain again, and I scared our daughter with the noises though we had prepared her so much for the event with roll playing and watching videos. She walked away upset and a bit scared wanting me to stop now. S assured her that mommy was fine and working hard to bring the baby out. This was exactly why I wanted S there and she did everything right! She followed our daughter's lead and supported her and made her feel ok with things and with doing whatever she decided to do.With a hug and a reassurance she decided that she wanted to go back and see mommy some more and became my coach. I remember feeling so much pain and pushing so hard and in the same time feeling her small hand on my arm rubbing me softly and her small sweet voice telling me it would be ok. It gave me strength she'll never know.

DH got between my legs and felt for the head. When this happened, the midwife started to try and use the doppler on my stomach to monitor heart beats with the baby and I was MAJOURLY annoyed, but in such pain I could not even speak. After four trys without success I snapped at her " Stop doing that!" It felt like every time she touched me with the doppler between contractions, she would bring on another contraction. It would start on top of the last one, and I didn't want to be touched.

We had discussed so much in advance about if she were to be at the birth, that I though we covered everything, but I was not aware that it was procedure to do fetal heart tones during the pushing stage, had I known I would have made it very clear that I didn't want that at all to start with. I made them aware of it in the assessment survey of their care I did, and suggested they mention that to all clients so they are aware that that will happen if they don't opt out of it a head of time.

DH could feel the baby's head coming but descending back in a bit between each contraction. He asked if I was having any burning sensation but I didn't. He applied support with his hand against my perineum to prevent tearingas I pushed again.

The secondary back up midwife told me when I growled and yelled again that I was putting my energy into pushing vocally and I should try to push the energy down deep to make it more effective and to save my voice if I wanted. I loved her gentle approach to coaching, where it made it my decision rather then a command from her. Still though I was a bit annoyed that she suggested it at all, but only because I KNOW that and in that moment wasn't thinking of that, I was just DOING.I was annoyed with myself for not thinking that on my own. When I did what she reminded me of, pushing became more effective and the baby's head came out farther in this one push than all the others.

Another contraction, and I pushed again.

It is funny that having such an easy first birth, I never really anticipated how much work this birth would be and I was thankful for the verbal cheering the midwives were doing as I pushed and held onto DH for dear life. I don't remember saying it but apparently I said this was the last time I was ever going to do this again. I remember the back pain was so intense, i felt like I was going crazy. Feeling like a trapped caged animal unable to get away from impending death within your own body is insane. Though I was very annoyed at the lack of privacy and the buzzing about, the heart tone checks, I was thankful in this moment for the midwives being there, for without their voices to concentrate on at one point I thought I was going to slip out of this realm into a realm of insanity I would never be able to come back from. The pain was so intense everything was blacking out around the edges and I felt like I was looking at stuff in black and white, but they spoke the right words at the right times, and I concentrated on their voices telling me I was doing amazing, and listening to DH give details of where the head was.

I gave another push and finally the hardest part ended. The baby's head popped out. DH felt for a cord around the neck, and confirmed that there was nothing there. But he said " I can't feel anything" and the midwife took that to mean he didn't know what he was feeling and she stuck her hands in to feel. This annoyed DH beyond belief, and still makes him mad to this day. She felt his neck as DH pulled the baby up and out of the water onto my chest.

AHHH total BLISS and no more pain.The instant it is over, you don't even really remember it as it was.

John looked and asked me if I wanted to guess at what the baby was, I said, " a boy right?" and he turned him over to me to reveal his little baby boy parts. He laid on my chest with his cord in tack pulsing away. He was sleepy and just peeked up at me as if to say " oh mom, it's you, ok, I'm going back to sleep now." I rubbed him and talked to him and we wrapped him in a blanket to keep him warm.

I guess the midwife was worried that he was sleepy and not being active, so she took a small tube of oxygen right away and started to put it to the baby's face, which annoyed me, as he didn't need it, his color was fine. He didn't cry much as most water babies don't. I felt an air of panic about the midwife at this point and that bothered me as I felt it was intrusive and I didn't want to be feeling her emotions, I had enough of my own to be processing at that moment. I guess she thought he looked like he needed some attention?

The hustle and bustle of documenting times and her giving him oxygen leaning over the pool, while the secondary midwife checked his heart tones from behind and above me was intrusive, as they moved our daughter out of the way to get them. The primary midwife snapped at the secondary for not giving her the stats right away when she was trying to get a heart tone.. but was being quiet for us to have our moment with our new baby. I was annoyed at that.

Sometimes people don't realize the impact their presence has on a situation or moment. this is why I prefer to birth alone.

Shortly after the cord stopped pulsing, we let our daughter cut the cord and introduce our son to the world as a separate being.He was officially named and introduced to the family. DH took the baby out of the pool with the help of the midwife, and they cleaned him up, weighed him and took his measurements. He weighed in at 8 pounds 13 ounces.

The back pain for me was coming back and any thought of not being with my baby went away and were replaced with "Get me out of this pool". We headed to the shower hoping the hot hot water could help on the back. While this was going on, DH, S and our daughter got some first of many pictures of our daughter holding her baby brother and beaming down at him.

The midwife was trying to help me in the shower and kept talking about the placenta as it was coming on a half hour since I had the baby. Though we had talked about it prior and I wanted to let the placenta come in her own time, I felt she was being anxious and pushy to get it out. She reminded me that it was protocol to transfer to a hospital for a "retained placenta" after 30 minutes. The standing in the shower was so painful on my hips and lower back that I could not tolerate it anymore so I asked to be helped to my bed. With much assistance, I managed to sit up in bed in a reclined position and tried some ice packs on my back to no avail. The Midwife wanted to check my vagina for any tears that may need attention, and when she checked I was completely intact. When she went back to the living room to document her findings she remarked to DH that he should be a midwife because his pressure and support during pushing was successful and there was not one tear. I finally was settling to a comfortable position on the bed for my back to not be in such pain, as DH handed me the baby, when the midwife asked the secondary midwife for the syringe and Pitocen.

I have an INTENSE fear of needles or anything that breaks the skin. So prior to birth we had discussed that if I started to hemmorrage or anything and they felt it was necessary to stick me that I'd want it done fast and not in my eyes view. I didn't want to know it was coming. I didn't like how uncomfortable she was getting about the placenta not coming and how close the needle was getting to the bedside table next to me, so DH asked for some quiet time alone and they went to the living room. DH and I and the baby just sat and rested and talked and took pictures and tried to breastfeed for about an hour.

Birthing was exhausting for the baby as well as me... as he just fell asleep on my breast for a pillow rather then nurse at all. :) DH held the baby for a while and at the two hour mark I stood up, felt a contraction, did a small push and our placenta was born into my bread baking bowl, the very same one my daughter's was born into. She was so much smaller then my daughter's had been, her's near filled the bowl and his was only 1/4 the size with a really long cord.

We went out to the living room to let them know she had arrived. They were happy, and the secondary midwife was so gentle and commented "see,she just needed some time to come on her own too." It felt so good to hear her say that. She then asked me for my permission to check the placenta over, and she was so gentle and wonderful, she treated it so gentle as she would have treated my newborn son. When she turned over the placenta she showed the student midwife the veins on the exterior of the placenta that attaches to the uterine wall and remarked in a breathless tone " oh such a beautiful tree of life Ril, good job!"

She asked me what I wanted to do with her and I mentioned doing placenta prints and she asked if I wanted some help. I was relieved to not have to do it myself, as I was still so sore. I asked her if she would do them for me herself while I watched and she said she would be honored. This too, made me feel so good I got teary eyed as I watched her make 4 prints of our placenta. The best one now hangs framed in my son's room, the cord had made a heart shape at the end when she printed it so I chose that one. The treatment of my placenta was important to me as I had lost the opportunity to do anything with my daughter's Placenta, and it was thrown away as hazardous materials in the hospital when we went in after our Unabirth for a check.

The choices in this birth was in many ways, a healing process for the things in my daughter birth that I regretted.

I decided that I would go have a much needed HOT shower and clean up get dressed, and then eat as I was starving! S came and helped me get clothes and into the shower. The secondary midwife came to say she was leaving now and thanked me for letting her be there for the birth and told me I was an amazing birther and she wished all her clients birthed so well. I hugged her and thanked her for everything and after a little longer the other midwives left and S did some cleaning up while my little man started to wake up and want to nurse. I put him to my breast and though his first suckle attempt caused a blister on my nipple which blocked some ducts and caused a bit of pain and heat on day three, he latched on thereafter like a pro and has been going strong ever since.

A few hours after the birth, we had our first visitors. BIL2 ad his wife came for a visit. They were amazed that I was fully dressed showered and visiting only mere hours after a birth. :)

After they left, I emptied the pool and cleared out the leftovers of the pooping in the pool that had settled to the bottom. I felt that no one else should have to see that and the pool care was my responsibility anyway, the midwives didn't do any of that care, though they will attend water births, the client is responsible for the set up and take down.

While cleaning up the pool I noticed a weird long piece of some biolocial matter and wasn't sure what it was... I examined it without touching it and just assumed it must be a waterlogged blood clot or something. 5 days later when Bupba still had not had his first mec poop, and the midwife was getting concerned, we realized that that was what that was. He pooped in the pool too when he was born.

After bleaching out the pool and sticking it in the tub to dry out, we all decided we were still hungry at about 10 pm, so S, DD and I went to go grab take out while DH got to stay home and rested on the couch with his son alone for their first bonding session. We ate and S helped get DD down to bed for the night and then headed across the hall to home.

Then my two men and I crawled into bed together and I slept on my stomach after we nursed laying down, for the first time in what felt like forever. AHH I'd missed that so much!

AS an unassisted birther choosing to have a birth attendant present, there were things that annoyed me and bugged me, but a year later the good moments are what I remember the most and it took a lot of time in the last year to be ok with our decision in retrospect.

All the important things we wanted to happen did, and I got to prove that failure to progress doesn't exist. Throughout the labouring three days , many times we sat there talking about how if we had been in a hospital I would have been c-sectioned by then.

I got to experience and enjoy being in labour, my son was born at home in water, his daddy caught him, his sister cut the cord, my placenta came in her own time, and she was respected for her job well done, and we spent our first days after the birth at home in bed as a family, were we were meant to be.

This birth healed a lot of pains for me from my daughter's first days of life. It also taught me some things as well. I found I could put trust in women again, something that was due to a bad relationship with my mother and shutting myself off from female friendships due to being so hurt by friends in my young teen years. I learned that from being with my friend S for three whole days, and having her come through completely for everything we needed in those three days, and many afterwards. She is a true blessing to us and our daughter. I also learned that by allowing two complete strangers at my birth in the student and the secondary midwife, who respected my space and me, and made me feel safe and secure in their silence and awe of my birth.

Looking back though, I believe that for such private people as ourselves, going from unassisted to assisted was a hard transition for us, and though we admire and are thankful for everything the midwives did for us and for letting us call the shots mostly without interference. I'd never birth with anyone there again. Though we feel quite finished with our family, if we ever have the unforeseen opportunity to welcome another child into our family she or he will be birthed at home with just mom, dad and big sister and brother there... It is how I birth best and how I and my husband are both most comfortable.

In the days after Bupba's birth, DH and DD painted "it's a boy" on the window of our balcony door to let the neighbours know about his birth.

Thank you to my DH for being my soft place to fall and my hard rock to lean on at the same time. Thank you,to my 4 year old daughter for her sweet and tender touch when I needed it most and thank you Bupba for your presence in our lives since that day, this year has been an amazing one, watching you grow to a delightful toddling comedian. Your smile and infectious laughter fills my heart minute by minute. I am blessed Mama Ril Written February 2nd 2006