Manic Monday

Well it seems....one can hope....maybe things around here will level out a bit now... my cyclical shift in hormones is weaning and therefore making me less scatterbrained and less umm...bitchy again.. according to the people around me anyway.. :P

Unfortunately with hormone fluctuations, it seems n matter how well the Concerta is working for me, I become a complete bumbling idiot at this time. it drives me nuts, because it affects me on so many levels, and I end up going around in circles like I have one foot nailed to the floor. I hate that it means that I spend my time catching up, and falling behind every month... I really need to get a handle on this, as the management of it right now if not effective. Suppressing my menses with a birth control pill, as my family practitioner suggested, has not been effective at ALL thus far.

So today meant the start of catching up on the stuff I always fall behind on during my cyclical trip to ADDworld for a week to 10 days.thankfully, when my mom & dad were passing through on the way home, my mom ( also ADD) whirled through my kitchen and cleaned it up for me, so I've been trying to stay on top of what she did, and not let it get too bad, so it has not been too bad.

I'm still feeling a bit sctterbrained, my attention span is pretty low... but I'm trying to push through.

Today I got up, feed the kids ( homemade waffles and icecream) They were totally impressed that mom gave them ice cream for breakfast, but hey.. I figure, it is dairy, and they'll eat it, and has no more sugar then a box of fruit loops with milk anyway, or pouring over half a bottle of syrup on them... and the coolmom points I gained for that maybe help offset how crabby I've been this last 2 weeks. After the icecream breakfast the boy required bathing because he was covered in icecream and he hates being sticky.one of his sensory issues, among others.

I went out and got a yard cart full of wood. made a fire. did a sink full of dishes,folded laundry, put more in washer, & switched some over to dryer.

Then I cut out pictures of clothes from the weekly ads for clothing stores. My daughter who is 8, never puts her clothes away when I give them to her, and her dresser is EMPTY, with her clean clothes all over her room getting mixed up with her dirty stuff. She's a visual learner,and get overwhelmed easily by stuff she thinks is too complicated or require multi steps to finish, so I asked if some pictures on the drawers would help and she said yes, so we sat together and cut out socks and underwear, sweaters, shirts, pj's and pants and dresses pictures and stuck them on her dresser with clear packing tape. Quick and dirty, but she was happy, and now she can see what goes where...4yo son wants the same done for him stuff. more cool mom points.

Then I went upstairs with my fixed computer to set it back up. Hubby finally looked at it last night after supper when I asked him to if I brought him everything he needed. I had alreayd had the power supply unscrewed and case open, and the power supply from the kids PC un hooked and ready to go inot mine. As suspected, the power supply had died for some unknown reason, but Dh was not up to looking at it since I had done that over 2 weeks ago. As I cannot edit any of my pictures or write anything without my computer, I was getting antsy, and I think did pretty good at not being pushy ( read crqabby and bossy) at him to look at it. it was not easy for him to do, but he did it, thankfully...( he got paid later in trade :P)

My computer is upstairs in the office, but no networking wires have been run yet, so I'll have to put stuff on a thumb drive and bring it down here to the laptop in order to upload anything to the internet, but at least I can work again. I need to get working on the websites.

Anyway, I got the computer hooked back up, and my desk moved a little more over to where I wanted it, unpacked 5 boxes, and made a few phone calls needed to be made about acquiring some real fire wood...yes already CUT & Split! I'm working on getting that in the next week...for the rest of our cold weather, and to help us get a head start on next year's cold season.

Then I fed hubby a late lunch, which required him reminding me he had not eaten to remember...concerta takes away my appitite, and when I'm not hungry I don't think of food, so I literally need a schedule or it is not even on my radar. He was complaining he was cold at his computer...our bedroom is on the main floor, and with some well placed fans and a good fire we can usually get it up to a decent 19 to 22 degress C in there, but for some odd reason the front door on the house blew open last night with minus -18 degress outside and was open for about 10 to 15 minutes before we really noticed...( because we were sitting right BY the fire) I kept saying to DH " why am I feeling such a cold draft all of a sudden?") The door somehow popped open, and was sitting WIDE open, letting out all the hot air , and our bedroom has been unable to get above 14 degrees C since last night. I was worried about our budgies getting a chill, as they are right near the way through the bedroom to the front door of the house, and the breeze was blowing through there, but they seem fine, thankfully.

I decided to do something about the issue, and hang the fan up high in the doorway as we'd been talking about for a while now.

Well being the ADDer I am...the tools I needed to hang the fan, were missing...still are in fact. this kind of thing, drive hubby NUTS, and in order to not go insane watching me, he had to just walk away and leave me to it, because I had to look for a drill bit and hookeyes etc. I searched and looked around and cannot find the drill bits, but my ADD saved the day, because I went to the workshop to get the ladder, and got sidetracked off searching through other stuff, and found a better option to hanging the fan that would not require the cuphooks and drillbit! :) I ended up finding a different option, and went on the mission to hang the fan by our bedroom entrance ( no door yet) to let the hotter air that rises go into our room. It took me over 2 hours to find the stuff I needed with that little side jaunt in the workshop, and getting the ladder, putting in the hooks, and getting the fan up there.. but I got it up there...hubby snapped a picture from his phone.

Super ADD Girl to the rescue :)



the black wire in the picture is a temperature sensor from a thermometer DH's father bought him for christmas, that has come in quite useful, as it tells us the temp up high where I hung it around the corner, and then also down low on his bedside table where the middle of our room basically is.

I had to go get another yard cart of wood, and make another fire, but it has now been an hour since I hung the fan and the bedroom is now gone from 14 to 17 degrees.. with the fan hanging blowing air that is at about 24 degrees into the room. Hopefully in another hour or so with keeping up with the fire , the bedroom should be back up to a decent temp.

now that I took all this time to write this I need to go make supper.. which I actually planned in advance ( a bit) so hopefully it won't take too long.

Confessions of "ADDGirl"

So...some people don't get this "personal" on their blogs and I always wonder where the line might be, but I've decided recently that I'm not going to censor myself this way...and besides there are only about 4 or 5 of you who read this on any regular basis, and we are all human, and I write this to be "me".. so if I reveal a real part of me....that's ok. I've been working on accepting that not everyone in the world will like me and that it is OK to not be liked by everyone and it is not necessary to feel anxiety of someone doesn't like me for any reason, be it a legitimate reason, or one they perceive that is just not true.

I, as a lot of people... have emotional baggage, I'm sure my baggage is just baggage to many, and to others it would be the kind of baggage, that makes you thankful for your own baggage. But... being a child who grew up with ADD and learning disabilities unknown to anyone, including themselves.. and being a kid who grew up in a family of drinkers, I have a LOT of emotional baggage.. like huge LUGGAGE that needs to be checked in to be carried around. Over the years I have been able to find peace in my life and work out some emotional stuff, to be able to downsize my emotional Baggage to just a few carry on pieces. But they are always still there, reminding me, making it hard to walk down the narrow aisles of life, smacking other passengers in the shoulder, and leaving me full of anxiety, upset, sadness, frustration, and much more wishing I could be a minimalist and just throw out the carry on bags and be done with it.

Anyway.. I tell you all of that to tell you this...The largest article in my carry on baggage is anxiety about most social situations & the relationships I have with people in my life....my spouse, my children, my neighbors, acquaintances, extended family etc... I worry constantly about how people look at me ( opinions) how I behave in situations etc.. you know a basic need (addiction) for approval by people... to the point that lack of obvious signs of approval from people, makes me think they don't like me, I made them mad and that's why they don't call, so then I avoid them. fear of saying the wrong thing, not being "cool, nice, important, funny etc" enough to be their friend etc.

this has caused me to be a "people pleaser" all of my life, and led me to job in the caregiver field being a personal care worker for people with disabilities.

Anyway...It is something that drives me NUTS, and something I wish I could change in myself without taking anxiety drugs prescribed by a doctor, and without coping with alcohol as I did in my early 20's.

This whole thing, I've known for some time, stems from my basic relationship with my mother as a child. the person as a baby/child trusted the most, looked to for my needs to be met. The issue was that my mother was 16,and practically a baby herself emotionally with the MASSIVE check in luggage she started her adult life with, and therefore she was literally incapable of providing me with the solid foundations I needed to foster relationships and nurture them in a positive way in my life. AS a result of being an ADD child with learning disabilities I was no doubt a challenge to parent growing up. There was a lot of "emotional abuse" in my life growing up, and I've known for a long time that it colored the way I act, react, and come at the relationships in my life with people.

this could end up turning into a book, but I'll save that, and just touch the points as best I can...at 30 years old and during the pregnancy of my second child my hidden ADD got bad.. to the point of putting me in mental inertia, and I felt like I was going in circles with one foot nailed to the floor. I was a complete mental wreck from the raging pregnancy hormones playing with my brain chemistry. So much so, I sought help from a counselor, who recommended me to an ADD Doctor because she thought that was the issue. I was diagnosed shortly after my son's birth in 2005. I started to read some books about ADD as much as I could to grasp as much as I could about it to try and make positive changes in my life, to learn to manage the ADD and not let it manage me. It was bad enough that is made my marriage have times of serious stress, and my husband and I fought and argued a lot....there were times when I could not take the stress and thought... a LOT that i should just leave the relationship, because it didn't matter what I did, I was just not able to make it work.

I'd been trying to tell my husband for the last 4 years or so since my diagnosis, that even given his very high level of patience for my daily mess ups, and slip ups, forgetfulness, disorganization, and ease with which I can create chaos that he didn't understand where I was coming from because he could not possibly understand what it is like to have ADD and personally live with being a flake so much.

I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I beat myself up emotionally as was done to me as a child every time I mess up. by the time he sees the mess up and starts getting upset at me( even when it is totally within reason that he SHOULD be upset about it) I've already been chastising myself about it, and that little chastiser in my brain suddenly gets defensive and snaps back at him because he is stepping on her territory...it was the best way I could describe it, because that it what happens when he expresses his disappointment and frustration sadness, or even anger at something my ADD is responsible for. ( this can occur a lot, because well...I mess up a lot, and we argue every time it does because I tell him, he needs to not complain so much, and he tells me I have no idea how much he holds back and doesn't say.)

So recently, with the kids being completely out of hand with the routines and hyperness and ADD qualities I seem to have passed onto them, I put some books on hold at the library to read about ADHD parenting. I figured a little reeducation on ideas for myself, as well as for things to do with the kids to make things less chaotic in the home would be a benefit to everyone.

I ordered a book that is brand new in the stores, and our library bought it and we were the first to put a hold on it and get it in. While I was reading Daredevils and DayDreamers, my husband started reading the new one, called "SuperParenting for ADD".

After he read the first chapter he had an epiphany, and we had what I think is a significant turning point in our relationship regarding my ADD, and if that is the ONLY thing that book was good for then it has done good by me...(but I have a feeling it will be even better as each page is read, for us as parents of kids with ADD)

so, he reads the first chapter and then once the kids were in bed, started a conversation with " so, when I get mad at you, and you feel like you're "getting in trouble" as you call it..tell me how you feel... tell me what you're thinking in those moments."

So I started to rhyme off some stuff, not getting deep about it.. and he kept asking me to think more....and I was getting annoyed...I just wanted to relax, not get all philosophical and deep. But he pressed gently/firmly and said he was curious and wanted to know, and didn't want to give me any leads. He wanted to hear from ME what I felt.... so I thought about it, and talked about it, and I told him that I don't feel like he loves me anymore when he gets upset with me, or is disappointed in me...I started to get emotional...damn I hate when he makes me cry cause he makes me go deep in the luggage to find crap. ( but at the same time I love him for it.. he is my biggest supporter, best friend, and one of the biggest reasons I've come this far emotionally).

So we started talking and I told him that I don't feel loved, and that I hate disappointing him, because I just want him to be happy all the time and never be disappointed in me, or upset, or sad or hurt by something I've done. I told him I can't handle when people are mad at me, and it bothers me deeply. Then he asked me "but don't you know that it is just you're behavior, or the consequences we endure due to your ADD moments that I'm not happy with and that I still love you no matter what?" to which I promptly started cry and told him, in fact no I don't know that he still loves me at all. One of the biggest things that always hurts me so much when he gets upset with me, is that he can seem to walk away from it to cool off and does cool off and then never touches on it again, and I am left there still full of anxiety and resentment and fear and sadness feeling totally unloved like a complete failure, because of just how much I often do mess up ( daily, hourly sometimes even...there are days I should have never gotten out of bed because my brain chemistry is just not gonna allow me to function in any decent way at all)

He was surprised and said he really didn't think of it that way, and that it just occurred to him as he read the book because it explained how kids with ADD treated negatively emotionally by their parents can often end up having that color the way they have relationships for the rest of their lives.

I was never jealous of it, but he is always very good at letting the kids know that he was disappointed in their behavior but that he still loves them no matter what etc, and would hug them, wink, or give a pat on the head, and they would go off smiling and happy again. He said that it had never even occurred to him that I never got that kind of treatment as a child, and even thought we've talked about it, he didn't think about the fact that perhaps I was never told the behavior was negative, but i w as still loved.

I confirmed, while crying my eyes out, that yes, that is the case, and that knowing after I burn his roastbeef for the millionth time in ten years, or forget something, or break something, that he still loves me, would go a long way in making me feel less of a failure, and help me know that he still loves me. (I did take the moment to point out too, that with my learning disability, if I can't learn to consistently and properly cook a roast in the 10 years we've been together, perhaps the beef dinners would be best left to him, and we'd all be happy. LOL :))

It's been a few days since that talk now, and he's been his ever patient self, we're working on communication...me being more open instead of getting defensive right away, and him listening... and he's been being more attentive in the way I need him to be attentive.. not with flowers and crap, but with changing the way he approaches the way he guides me when we cook together, and being sure that he lets me know that he loves me...lovey and even sexy text messages in the midst of being upset with me, is helping me know that he is not taking away his love just because I messed up yet again and he has no clean socks to wear out of the house and I forgot to vacuum the living room floor AGAIN today like I said I was trying to get to, etc etc.

in a way it sucks that I have to mother the ADD child in me that never got the foundation she needed to be a better emotional functioning adult.... and it sucks that my husband is in essence paying the emotional debt left by others in my love bank, but we're getting there... and hopefully in time to be the kind of supportive positive mother my children need with their ADD in order to give them a fighting chance at managing their ADD traits in adulthood better.

Last night we cooked a dinner together and managed to get through it without arguing and actually smiling and enjoying ourselves by the time it got to the table, rather then me feeling upset, and misunderstood, and resentful and defensive walking away to try and gather myself again. It was nice. the food was really good. the best roast beef I've had in a Long time ( because I didn't cook it... LOL)... and I want it to continue.

anyway.. I'm off to bed, cause this took me over an hour to write out with the interruptions and it's late and hubby's patiently (?) waiting for me to finish this.

So there ya have it.... confessions of "ADDgirl" as my hubby fondly calls me ( and I actually don't mind)