Monday, May 11, 2009

giant model airplane

Sunday, May 03, 2009

I need to figure out a way to have more me time-very hard with kids & cfs dh
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Was a nice day except being in a car for 6 hours with 2 neurodiverse kids yelling all the way
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Bring awareness!


Too busy for words! Literally

Well just cause it's getting warmer doesn't mean  I get to slow down LOL... the gathering of wood still continues for next winter, to be ahead of the game.but it is nice that we have not had to have fires going constantly for over a week or so now. I think I light one 2 days ago, just to take off the dampness from a MAJOR rain storm. We've been collecting wood here and there, but we need to work on the trailer to get it fixed. we came home from the city today feeling own because we had no way to gather all the huge pile of pallet wood from the back of the home depot store, because the van was full of groceries, freecycle and garage sale finds.I'm hoping we can make it a priority to get the trailer fixed in the next two weeks, before our next trip back there.

I'm happy that today we found a hospital table for the bed for hubby when he's to tired and sick to get out of bed, for only $10. The secret to deals at a yard sale, is be nice, and chatty, go late, with small cash, offer them a price that is about 40 percent off of what they wanted for it, or gather a bunch of stuff and say. will you take ... and they usualy are happy to not have to drag it back into the house again. we also got 4 stools for the house and workshop for sitting at workbenches or the kitchen counter for Dh when he wants to help, for only 5 bucks.

The weather has been very spring, and I think i need to bring out the lawn mower tomorrow and cut the grass for the first time, it is getting LONG!

As well we are cleaning the yard, clearning off the fence of dad grape vine ( and making vine wreaths out of it to sell), getting the workshop orgnized, planning the garden to grow vegetables so we can have fresh free food all summer, and can for the winter. this year we are taking on eight 4 by 4 foot square foot gardens section, and having two foot walking paths between them. we hope to over time make it a nice walkway with pebbly stone, but that will require many family fun trips to the beach LOL, and bringin home a few pails at a time :)

We are also gathering sticks, and wood for a waddle fence alone the side of the house, and bricks and stone for fix the front retaining wall for the flower beds, as well as gathering materials for some other garden projects, including windows for a greenhouse off the back of the workshop.

I've been also looking into a passive solar heating panel system we can build to heat the workshop through the winter from the sun. we are plannning to gathering he supplies needed. testing the plan, and if it works, adapting it to work on the workshop as well as the house.

Also after finding a fixed $100 a month for hydro before I even turn on a light switch we are working on ways to suppliment our hydro with wind, since it is WINDY here, so windy in fact the province is trying to get wind power stations put here in our area and he old farts all with one foot in the grave are all complaining about it. " it will lower our propery value, and is bad for your health ..waa waaa"

Anywya... it's a busy crazy season right now.. all while I brain storm and work to see if I can find a way to make some extra money to help pay some bills.we are barley scraping by, and property taxes are coming up again in June.

like I said.. too busy for words.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Sad.. sooooo sad...

The driver in this story is my first cousin. We grew up together, he is like a little brother to me.

He has two broken arms, a broken leg, and they operated for over 5 hours to put in pins and plates and set the breaks. he is physically ok. Emotionally he'll never be the same. The lone driver of the other vehicle is his best friend and was to be the Best man at their wedding in this coming august. He was not physically hurt much at all. bumps and bruises. but emotionally as well a basket case.

Life is short folks...cherish it....don't screw around.

Woman dies in collision

Fri. Apr 17 - 9:01 AM
 MARBLE MOUNTAIN — One person is dead after a head-on crash in Cape Breton early Thursday morning.

  Paramedics and emergency crews received reports of the two-vehicle collision in the Marble Mountain, Inverness County, region at 7:20 a.m., said Krista Beck, spokeswoman for Emergency Health Services.

  Christina Louise Crant, 26, died at the scene. The vehicle she was travelling in crossed the centre line and collided with a pickup, an RCMP news release said.

  Her 29-year-old fiance had been the driver of the car, RCMP Sgt. Brian Rehill said.

  The man had been trapped in­side when emergency crews ar­rived. He was airlifted to the Queen Elizabeth II Health Sci­ences Centre in Halifax with se­rious injuries, Sgt. Rehill said.

  There was no update on his condition later in the day.

  Another man, the driver and lone occupant of the truck, was taken to the Strait Richmond Hospital by ambulance.

  Police did not know the extent of the man's injuries. He is be­lieved to be in his 30s, RCMP said.

  The victims are all from the River Denys area, Sgt. Rehill said.

  Neither alcohol nor weather is believed to be a factor in the crash.

  "Roads were dry at the time, so the matter's under investiga­tion," Sgt. Rehill said. "We're trying to figure out what hap­pened here."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Sunday, April 12, 2009

About Me- According To My Children

About Me...according to my kid

Ask your child the following questions and write down their answers exactly how they answer. It's fun to see what they come up with! the trick is you HAVE to write what they say.. if you chose to do it, you can't stop... I dare ya :P

According to my 8 year old daughter

1. What is something I always say to you?
uhhh...i don't know...sometimes you say I love you

2. What makes me happy?
uhhh....when I draw you flowers?

3. What makes me sad?
unnn....i don't know

4. How do I make you laugh? farting ( crap I didn't want to do this interview, i KNEW she'd say that)

5. What do you think I was like as a child?

6. How old am I?
40 un no, not 40..unnn 34 ( she's right)

7. How tall am I?
ummmmm4 foot 11 i think ( she's right)

8. What is my favorite thing to do?
ummmm..hmmmm....i think your favorite thing to do is singing and playing guitar

9. What do I do when you're not around?
uhhh... cuddle with daddy

10. If I become famous, what will it be for?
ummm....singing and playing guitar

11. What am I really good at?
ummm....hmmmmm....i really think that your good at recording stuff on your computer that is music

12. What am I not really good at?
ummm...i don't know ( good answer)

13. What is my job?
being a mommy, or my mommmy

14. What is my favorite food?
i don;t know...maybe it's ( that's her laugh out loud not mine)

15. What makes you proud of me?
when you give me big big big hugs

16. If I were a cartoon character, who would I be?
ummm...super mommy?

17. What do you and I do together?
we paint sometimes, draw pictures, and sometimes you teach me the guitar

18. How are we the same?
we are both girls

19. How are you and I different?'re older then me

20. How do you know that I love you?
umm you give me kisses and hugs good night.

According to my 4 year old son

1. What is something I always say to you?
ummm..uhhh..i'm gonna fink....knock knock...i don't know

2. What makes me happy?
ummm..making a sandwich

3. What makes me sad?
ummm running around in the house and stores

4. How do I make you laugh? saying farts

5. What do you think I was like as a child?
i don't know

6. How old am I?
i don't old are you now?

7. How tall am I?
write how tall you are so I can see and then I'll tell you

8. What is my favorite thing to do?
umm clean up the house

9. What do I do when you're not around?
ummm talk to daddy

10. If I become famous, what will it be for?
ummm....i'm finking....(long pause giggling on the floor finking)....umm say "what makes you happy again..."

11. What am I really good at?
cleaning the house

12. What am I not really good at?
you weren't good at feeding horizon...( he says with a pause after thinking for a few minutes) he wants me to erase that cause I laughed and went ohh man.. last week i accidentally killed one of our budgies by forgetting to fill the food dish for some consecutive busy days :(

13. What is my job?
ummm. your job is cleaning the house

14. What is my favorite food?
ummmm...i know what your favorite food is...chicken and potatoes and, and.......cheesecake

15. What makes you proud of me?
ummm cleaning the house for me

16. If I were a cartoon character, who would I be? my world you'd be super girl

17. What do you and I do together?
ummmmmmmmmmm.feed the birdies

18. How are we the same?
wearing clothes

19. How are you and I different?
you are wearing a white shirt and black pants, and I am wearing red jammies with chinkmunks on them

20. How do you know that I love you?
for getting us this house ( he means he knows that I love him cause we got this house to live in and he loves it here)

Friday, April 10, 2009

Someone else's trash...

With the warmer weather coming finally I am able to be in the workshop, that is minimally heated, and start setting it up for the purposes we have intended.

Over the last few days I've moved the stuff in the corner intended for the craft & sewing area, and started putting in the large furniture. But today my 8 year old daughter and I went out and got the majority of it done. Now over the next little while, we'll be sorting the boxes and boxes of materials, setting up the painting and drawing areas for the kids, filing the papers we have of magazine articles of craft ideas, "junk-booking" materials, and organizing the decoupage-jewelry making, and other assorted areas for all the different things we like to do & try.

we measured the space we decided to allot, and will eventually build walls around & the craft sewing area takes up the equivalent of a 10 by 14 room at the moment, with the plans to build UP, and make a lofty area above for storage and other crafts that could be done up there.

the amazing thing I realized moving it all around and such, is that every piece of furniture in the area is either a junk pile find, a hand me down from friends and neighbors, a side road "free take me" find, or a freecycle item.

The filing cabinet is from my old high school's Science Lab my dad got me when they were tearing it down to build the new school back in 1998ish & I'm building organization filing shelves for the kids crafting with papers etc to the left you can't see in the picture right now with ketchup boxes from the local grocery stores, MEGA bargain good for that.

I'll take better pics late when it is all done. the paintings were here when we moved. we stuck them on nails that were already in the

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Gut Instinct or Obsessing?

 I feel very strongly that a medical professional thinks I'm a hypochondriac because I am aware of my own body, and I consider symptoms to usually be a sign of something going on that needs to be looked at and when they show up, I'll go to this peron and say.. this is what's happening...i'm concerned it looks like...let's check it out. Now to clarify, I have not done this excessively, and I am NOT a person to run to a medical professional for every single little thing. What has precipitated this additude from this peron is that I made requests in the past year for specific tests to rule out specific stuff. The one test I did get done came from the ER doctor ordering it due to the issue I presented with, but my family practitioner never followe up. I asked my family practitioner for a referral to a neurologist and for MONTHS the referral never came... & was apparently "lost" & only done once I pushed for it...MANY MONTHS later, asking why it was taking so long.There is a family history of an issue that concerned me, and with vague information from my mother, I was trying to inquire as to the issue. given the ongoing symptoms I've had and what this looked like when you add up all the separate things I've been diagnosed with over the last 4 years. Now it is almost a full year later since the first request and things show to be normal based on head only cat scan and EEG I had done, though I'm still have the dizzy spells, walking balance issues, sore neck, headaches, numb patches on my back, and tinglness on my back, along with chronic and worsening lower back and hip pain. etc. This seems to be as far as it is bein taken with this professional....and for some time now I've had an issue getting them to even document my hip and lower back pain in writing. at the last 3 appointments ( in the span of maybe 6 months) I've But saying. I have this tingly patch on my back, my hip hurts a lot, and it never gets written down, and then was told that that kind of thing can't be xrayed t check until it has been an official complaint for over 6 months, though I've been mentioning it for years. Anyway...this professional has also recently held  my annual PAP test results from me on purpose for 5 months until it was time to do a retest to make sure things are fine & because the test came back with abnormalities. I feel manipulated & like I can't trust this professional & also feel like in future they won't take my concerns serious given that they have a bias in that direction against me. This professional admitted to me today that the results were held back from me on purpose because they "knew you would spend the whole 6 months fretting".

I'm feeling sick about it, and I can't let it go, but I'm not sure I should be letting it gut tells me otherwise. Others say I'm obsessing. At this point I'm really not feeling comfortabel gong back to them about the ongoing pain, and seemingly nerve issues in my neck and back/spine. Dh and I have decided to go around this person and go to a clinic and see a differetn doctor and explain the situation and see if perhaps they'll order the tests, or will refer me to a specialist to look deeper into the issues, I'm having.<SIGH>

After all that my boy fell alseep on my bed & looked @me smiled& said i wove u mommy :) I cried!!
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Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Is there a last straw?

do I sigh....keep it in and keep plugging away? Should I climb to the top of a mountain and scream
 until I can no longer hear, and no longer have a voice? or just sit here on the floor in the kitchen crying as I wipe up the apple raspberry sauce my 4 year old just spilled all ALLLLL over the floor. No I can't sit here crying... I have too much stuff todo, and it never ends. I'm painfully reminded that becaue I was catching up on dishes and cutting wood for the terribly cold day it is today, that I have not been doing the laundry and I have a dry load to fold. two loads to dry and way too many loads yet to wash...

I look at the clock wonering when bedtime is? the melatonin should hvae kick in by now, but he's now tettering upside down on the rocking chair on his head balancing. I wonder if I have the energy and paitence to parent at this very moment, or should I just crawl under the covers in a fetl postion and seek mothering myself.

Where does the drive come from... the will to keep going. the patience needed to politely ask what the 1 millionth time you hear "mommyyy" in that shrill, high squeal pitch, knowing, JUST knowing that you're about to hear about the injustice done to one by the other.

and as I blog this to prevent myself from slipping into that insanity i HOPE all mothers some days feel. I'm interrupted by the DH telling me that he wants to TV to watcha  movie with the girl.. and so.... I have to stop what I'm writing...
  will I get back to this later.. not likely.. and it shall remain unfinished. like everything else on my to do list.

Monday, March 30, 2009

long silence...soo busy these days

Each of us has characteristics we define as 'good' and those we define as 'bad.' The parts of ourselves that we continually reject want to be acknowledged and loved. Until we honour these aspects, they will continue to assert themselves. They will do whatever they can to get our attention.

What aspects of yourself do you reject?

Take a few moments to open to the parts of yourself that you do not love. See each one honestly for what it is. Explore the wounds and the motives that gave rise to its condition. Love a wounded part of yourself and it will heal.

I've been trying to do some deeper evaluation of myself these days and see why I am the way I am.. I mean I KNOW why I am the way I am to an extent. We can call it nature...the brain chemistry I've been given is not anything I can deny, change, or get rid of, but I can learn to live with it better.

Struggling with Auditory Processing Disorder and ADHD is not easy.. but to try to explain the depths that it affects my life and the lives of the people who I live with is almost impossible. People do not think ADHD and go, oh wow, ADHD impairs you enough to cause you to be on a disability pension?!

umm yes it does.

The dealing with Auditory processing dysfunction on top of that makes things REALLY REALLY HARD, and  until recently I never really realized just HOW much it impares me. I was not aware just how much i hide my inability to hear people when there is background noise, too many voices in the room, etc. I didn't realize that it impaired my judgment on being able to understand people with thick accents. I never realized just how much mental power it takes in a day for me to process everything I hear and have to try and filter out. I didn't realize how  half the arguments I have with my husband or children, are due to me not hearing properly what i being said, making an assumption, and basing my next statement or decision on THAT info, and it being a total and complete miscommunication that leads to  upset people, hurt feelings, and MAJOR frustration on every one's part.

I hate that I make SO many mistakes all the time. that I lose stuff, forget things, burn dinner misread the directions and get us lost, mis calculate the numbers and  screw up the banking etc etc. I've spent so much time in my life trying to hide my shortcomings from everyone else for fear of big ridiculed for them, AND for being emotionally beaten down in my younger years for being "day dreamy" scatterbained and cumbsy, that I will deny until I am blue in the face such an incident even if the evidence is right there for all the world to see. and then I just look insane, like a liar.

Studying Buddhism for the last 8ish years has lead me down a path of finding out who I really am, it has given me the strength I needed thus far... but there is such a long journey still ahead of me. I try to make it about the journey and not the destination, but it is never easy to stay mindful of such things al the time.The road is sometimes VERY bumpy and the hills are VERY high to climb...some days I'm too tired to keep going.

 I've been trying to work on actually finding out WHAT I want in life... not this is not some kind of midlife crisis.. I've always been evaluating this, but I'm trying to prioritise what is important, what NEEDS to be done and what doesn't etc.

What is it that my subconscious seeks so badly that i will do emotionally dysfunctional things to achieve, almost regardless of the cost.. I'm still analysing....What do i want to do...what do I LIKE to do, what do i LOVE to do, not just what am i capable of doing, because honestly.. I'm probably capable of pretty much doing just about anything I have interests in. So what do i like to do, what gives me and my family pleasure, and what can I let go.... since I like to do so many thing sand have yet till a list of things I want to do and try that I have no time for. 

So far this is what I know.

I am a people person.

I have the "gift to gab"

I can sing, and VERY good at it, and enjoy doing so. it brings me peace internally, but I'm terrified to sing in public anymore since I stopped drinking.

I like photography I like painting, and I've figured out what kind of photography I like to do, so I'm leaving the other kinds behind.

I'm very inventive & creative about re purposing stuff

I'm poor at organization

I'm physically clumsy

I'm poor at internal time telling

I hardly ever finish ANYTHING I start and I want to change that, I want to feel like I can accomplish something, be proud of myself for a FINISHED job. I feel the need to

I get very deeply upset when I make mistakes and disappoint people. I don't like people around me to be sad or unhappy.

I get very upset when people don't take time to know me and then make assumptions about my life.

I want to be recognized for the things I do that I am good at.. on an overall scale.. I'm not talking personally by people in my house necessarily because the recognition is there. I'm talking about on a larger scale. I don't mean I need or want to be worldwide famous, but I'd like some recognition  for my creativity and hard work, and good ideas, and have them bring my family some financial Independence and capabilities...

ohh .. I'd write more.. but i'm tired, and my brain is feeling like mush and tomorrow is grocery day

Friday, March 13, 2009

RedNeck SwingSet

who needs a $400 wooden swing set from Toys R US!! ( well I wouldn;t turn it down if someone offered it to us, but... when you can't afford it, you do what you have to...)

$1 worth of rope hanging around the workshop, two pieces of two by four for free from wood pallets we acquired, a couple holes drilled in the wood to string the rope through.. tied to the sturdy pre existing structure on the side of the work shop=happy kids.

the kids played outside for about 3 hours today.. they came in with their faces all rosey red :)

It's nice to have a back yard, but I'm still a little worried about 4 yo son being out there, as he follows his big sister around the house and our sidewalk is close to the road.. which you would think on a back country road, should not be an issue, but some local idiots lie to drive by the house doing about 40 over the limit :( think I might get some nails for the road and have my tea on the front step and wait for them to turn the corner! we need to get the fence built. in the sections that are not done.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

ADD strikes again :P

So very often with ADD, I think to do something and then so many things between when I thought of it and when I get it done distract me, that it is lucky that I get it done even at all!

here's a silly event that happaned last night.. I'm cutting and pasting from my facebook status wall and comments to poor hubby really does have a good sense of humor about it all thank goodness :)

and because some people asked me I thought I'd clarify that No, in fact I do not mind that he calls me ADDGirl :)

My Status:
Ril never remembers to have a cup of tea.. but I just saw Rose Marie is having one, so I'm gonna go make a cup. 11:29pm
 Carolyn at 11:11am March 10
ACK! I can't live without tea, lol. Hope you enjoyed it!

  at 1:19pm March 10 
Lol took me 5 hours to make it-then forgot it while changing the sheets& it was only luke warm by the time i remembered it again-half the cup is cold on my bedside table-lol-i'll try again today!
 Dear Hubby at 2:29pm March 10

Her:Do you want a cup of tea, dear?
Me: Umm, sure. Yeah, I guess, that sounds good.
Her - disappears into kitchen.

Her: So,do you want Earl Grey or this Peach stuff?
Me: WTF?
 MamRil  at 2:48pm March 10
LOL ADDgirl strikes again :P

Now I'm gonna post this and go to make a cup of tea....lets see how long it takes me to get it today :)

Monday, March 09, 2009

family fun day!

We went curling today at our local club for a free intro to curling day... the kids LOVED it...we're thinking of going back the next free day, and possibly seeing if we can scrounge up the funds for a seasons next year... it's $450.00 for a whole seasn, adn that is a LOT of money!!! but we really do love curling, the sport, to watch.. and after today...we really love the idea of trying it for a season as an activity. a good way for the kids to get out their energy.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

No it's not icecream

Chocolate chip cookie dough. I made a double batch when making
cookies, cause hubby likes to indulge while I make the cookies.

Homeschooling before supper

Hubby and the children decided to do some chemistry/science tonight
making crystals, while I made a science experiment of cooking dinner.
I snuck the picture, he doesn't like having his picture taken, and
he'll be upset that I did, but I don;t care...he is a good daddy &
that needs to be documented :)

Monday, March 02, 2009

Manic Monday

Well it can hope....maybe things around here will level out a bit now... my cyclical shift in hormones is weaning and therefore making me less scatterbrained and less umm...bitchy again.. according to the people around me anyway.. :P

Unfortunately with hormone fluctuations, it seems n matter how well the Concerta is working for me, I become a complete bumbling idiot at this time. it drives me nuts, because it affects me on so many levels, and I end up going around in circles like I have one foot nailed to the floor. I hate that it means that I spend my time catching up, and falling behind every month... I really need to get a handle on this, as the management of it right now if not effective. Suppressing my menses with a birth control pill, as my family practitioner suggested, has not been effective at ALL thus far.

So today meant the start of catching up on the stuff I always fall behind on during my cyclical trip to ADDworld for a week to 10 days.thankfully, when my mom & dad were passing through on the way home, my mom ( also ADD) whirled through my kitchen and cleaned it up for me, so I've been trying to stay on top of what she did, and not let it get too bad, so it has not been too bad.

I'm still feeling a bit sctterbrained, my attention span is pretty low... but I'm trying to push through.

Today I got up, feed the kids ( homemade waffles and icecream) They were totally impressed that mom gave them ice cream for breakfast, but hey.. I figure, it is dairy, and they'll eat it, and has no more sugar then a box of fruit loops with milk anyway, or pouring over half a bottle of syrup on them... and the coolmom points I gained for that maybe help offset how crabby I've been this last 2 weeks. After the icecream breakfast the boy required bathing because he was covered in icecream and he hates being of his sensory issues, among others.

I went out and got a yard cart full of wood. made a fire. did a sink full of dishes,folded laundry, put more in washer, & switched some over to dryer.

Then I cut out pictures of clothes from the weekly ads for clothing stores. My daughter who is 8, never puts her clothes away when I give them to her, and her dresser is EMPTY, with her clean clothes all over her room getting mixed up with her dirty stuff. She's a visual learner,and get overwhelmed easily by stuff she thinks is too complicated or require multi steps to finish, so I asked if some pictures on the drawers would help and she said yes, so we sat together and cut out socks and underwear, sweaters, shirts, pj's and pants and dresses pictures and stuck them on her dresser with clear packing tape. Quick and dirty, but she was happy, and now she can see what goes where...4yo son wants the same done for him stuff. more cool mom points.

Then I went upstairs with my fixed computer to set it back up. Hubby finally looked at it last night after supper when I asked him to if I brought him everything he needed. I had alreayd had the power supply unscrewed and case open, and the power supply from the kids PC un hooked and ready to go inot mine. As suspected, the power supply had died for some unknown reason, but Dh was not up to looking at it since I had done that over 2 weeks ago. As I cannot edit any of my pictures or write anything without my computer, I was getting antsy, and I think did pretty good at not being pushy ( read crqabby and bossy) at him to look at it. it was not easy for him to do, but he did it, thankfully...( he got paid later in trade :P)

My computer is upstairs in the office, but no networking wires have been run yet, so I'll have to put stuff on a thumb drive and bring it down here to the laptop in order to upload anything to the internet, but at least I can work again. I need to get working on the websites.

Anyway, I got the computer hooked back up, and my desk moved a little more over to where I wanted it, unpacked 5 boxes, and made a few phone calls needed to be made about acquiring some real fire wood...yes already CUT & Split! I'm working on getting that in the next week...for the rest of our cold weather, and to help us get a head start on next year's cold season.

Then I fed hubby a late lunch, which required him reminding me he had not eaten to remember...concerta takes away my appitite, and when I'm not hungry I don't think of food, so I literally need a schedule or it is not even on my radar. He was complaining he was cold at his computer...our bedroom is on the main floor, and with some well placed fans and a good fire we can usually get it up to a decent 19 to 22 degress C in there, but for some odd reason the front door on the house blew open last night with minus -18 degress outside and was open for about 10 to 15 minutes before we really noticed...( because we were sitting right BY the fire) I kept saying to DH " why am I feeling such a cold draft all of a sudden?") The door somehow popped open, and was sitting WIDE open, letting out all the hot air , and our bedroom has been unable to get above 14 degrees C since last night. I was worried about our budgies getting a chill, as they are right near the way through the bedroom to the front door of the house, and the breeze was blowing through there, but they seem fine, thankfully.

I decided to do something about the issue, and hang the fan up high in the doorway as we'd been talking about for a while now.

Well being the ADDer I am...the tools I needed to hang the fan, were missing...still are in fact. this kind of thing, drive hubby NUTS, and in order to not go insane watching me, he had to just walk away and leave me to it, because I had to look for a drill bit and hookeyes etc. I searched and looked around and cannot find the drill bits, but my ADD saved the day, because I went to the workshop to get the ladder, and got sidetracked off searching through other stuff, and found a better option to hanging the fan that would not require the cuphooks and drillbit! :) I ended up finding a different option, and went on the mission to hang the fan by our bedroom entrance ( no door yet) to let the hotter air that rises go into our room. It took me over 2 hours to find the stuff I needed with that little side jaunt in the workshop, and getting the ladder, putting in the hooks, and getting the fan up there.. but I got it up there...hubby snapped a picture from his phone.

Super ADD Girl to the rescue :)

the black wire in the picture is a temperature sensor from a thermometer DH's father bought him for christmas, that has come in quite useful, as it tells us the temp up high where I hung it around the corner, and then also down low on his bedside table where the middle of our room basically is.

I had to go get another yard cart of wood, and make another fire, but it has now been an hour since I hung the fan and the bedroom is now gone from 14 to 17 degrees.. with the fan hanging blowing air that is at about 24 degrees into the room. Hopefully in another hour or so with keeping up with the fire , the bedroom should be back up to a decent temp.

now that I took all this time to write this I need to go make supper.. which I actually planned in advance ( a bit) so hopefully it won't take too long.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Latest Portraits

My hubby did a photo session with me and the kids.. he refuses to get behind the camera.. typical are some pictures.. but he wants me to warn... theya re low res, and therefore may seem not sharp.. not a aproduct of his skilz... my upload choice :P

My hubby did a photo session with me and the kids.. he refuses to get behind the camera.. typical are some pictures.

One Word Wednesday

Where are you right now? Living
Are you bored? no
What day is today? hump
Are you happy? yes
Do you have a lot of friends? no
Are you close with them? yes
Who do you tell everything to? DH
Is that person your best friend? yes
Does your best friend call you their best friend? yes
Does your best friend have other best friends? no
Do you ever fight with your best friend? YES
Does your best friend know everything about you? yes
Do you know everything about your best friend? maybe?
Are your friends jealous of your best friend?dunno
Do you miss being a kid? NO
Who was the last person to call you? propane
Who was the last person to text you? Hubby
Who was the last person to comment on your latest facebook status? none
Do you have twitter? YES
Who was the last person to @ msg you on twitter? toomanyhats
Which do you like better facebook or twitter? equal
Do you have any tattoos? no
Do you have any piercings? yes
Do you have any regrets? lots
What are you wearing?black
What was the last movie you watched? uggg
Who was the last person to email you? the Universe
Is that person a close friend? ok
Who was the last person you talked to? son
What did you say? bed!
Do you wish you were somewhere else?nope
Are you a nice person? depends
Do people like you? maybe
Have you ever been out of the country? USA
Where would you like to go?everywhere
What song are you listening to? asshole
Are you getting bored of this survey? yep
What's your favorite thing to eat? food

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Day Trip.

I had an appointment with my Dr for my ADD in the city, so we took the opportunity to stop a few places and take some pictures.

These are a few I took.

We got some free skid wood from behind a home depot as well, which should do us for about 5 days or so as well. so it was a pretty productive day all told, except that hubby stepped on a nail while breaking up the skids. :( thankfully he just had a tatanus shot recently, and it was a clean non rusty nail...we've cleaned it up, and though it is sore, I think it will be ok.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Happy " Just another day" My Valentine's Day thoughts

so.. I was just sitting here, and watching the tweets rolls by on Twitter in the early Am hours post V day. I noticed a lot of  women talking about it being nice and what they got as gifts. still a  lot more tweeting about getting home from evening out, and needing to get out of the clothes they are in to get comfortable, and still others tweeting about how their V-day sucked over all.

It was then that the word Comfortable hit me, and I smiled, and I thought... mmmmm comfortable... yes I am.. and I love it. I would not want to be any where else.

I admit that I once fell victim to this made up holiday that does nothing more than make everyone feel unloved and lonely at some point in their lives, and in my opinion, holidays are supposed to make people feel loved and special. I spent a lot of my teen years without a date to the Valentine dance, and therefore didn't go, and felt ugly and fat and unloved, I spent my early 20's trying to make up for that my dating anyone who would even look my way, and even married one of them! ( uggg)... I used to dress up, and spend hours on my hair and make up to go out.

I get how it all works... but there is so much beyond that surface.

I worked in bars as a Karaoke Hostess in my 20's and it was just a given that as the hostess, showing off your boobs, batting eyelashes, flirting, getting and keeping the attentions of male Patrons and looking good doing it, would keep me  hired by the bar to come back and bring in the customers for them to sell drinks to. I've been here, done that.

I get the whole sell the package to date someone in order to find a mate, possibly one you'll marry. But that is not who you really are. is it? It is not who I am.. thought I admit, to meet my husband for the first time, I spent a considerable amount of time preparing to meet him ( and terrified to death he'd hate how I looked, being too short and too chubby)

I hated that, and not being seen for who I really was on the inside...but I did it anyway, because that is what society says we as women need to do...sell ourselves sexually in order to be liked.

Perhaps 10 year has matured me, and I've gained wisdom, or at least I'd like to think it has, and I have not just become complacent. Thought I can guarantee you some of those girls crying themselves to sleep alone tonight, or having meaningless drunk " I don't want to be alone on Valentine's day" sex with some guy who'll leave tomorrow morning and will never see them again would look at me and say I'm crazy, or laugh and say I've fallen victim to the  "being married-going to pot" issue they will never find themselves in, but I don't care... I'm comfortable and I think they could learn a thing of two from it.

They can laugh at all they want....I hope they find someone to be comfortable with soon, who loves them for who they really are, because being comfortable is OHHHH SOOO wonderful!

My husband didn't buy me chocolates, or roses, or diamonds, he didn't make me breakfast in bed. He didn't take me out to a  romantic dinner that costs a day's salary, or spend twice as much on a bottle of wine to get me tipsy in hopes I'd "put out " later.

I didn't spend hours worrying about what I'd wear, or how I looked, pouring myself into some tight pair of leather pants, stiletto high heel boots, and cinching myself up into a corset to show off my boobs, in order to get sexual attention from him. ( I mention this because someone tweeted that as I was reading...that's what they were taking off after a night at a bar, and coming home alone, upset that the efforts were in vain)

If it wasn't so sad that these people are creating their own misery on this made up holiday I'd laugh at the fact that as a "frumpy married housewife and stay at home mother" I got lucky more times today then they have in probably a month. But I don't take pleasure in other people's pain ( even if it is misery and pain they have caused themselves merely by their own perceptions and thoughts)

So just what IS comfortable? What made a perfect Valentines day for me?

First I didn't have an expectation, it was just another day.

I woke up this morning to a soft kiss on the back of my neck and a loving snuggle under the blankets. My children came and said good morning, and then want off to pay with & feed the dog, play Wii, eat breakfast, and left hubby and I alone to enjoy some alone time...sure it wasn't  "sexy and steamy" like in the movies...sure we had to stop about 6 times and go check on them to make sure they were not torturing the dog and to get them to stop fighting over the Wiimotes...but it was good, and real, and relaxing and wonderful, and the kids didn't even haved a clue.

Then I got up, leaving hubby to rest and nap some, and went and got some wood for the house, and let the kids play in the workshop riding their bikes. We came in and was greated by Hubby who was up feeling somewhat rested from his extra sleep. Throughout the afternoon there was small moments of affection, kisses and winks, and hugs, between making the kids get their snacks off the floor, getting the fire going, and make the kids stop fighting over the heart shaped  sugar cookies we baked the night before.

Then we decided to go into the city to find some scrap pallets for free heat and to take in a movie with some free movie passes we have. This didn't mean all of a sudden I went running off to plan my attire etc....I pulled my hair back in a pony tail, changed my shirt to one with long sleeves. put on clear lip gloss, my winter boots and coat, got the kids and hubby in the van and off we went.

Our valentine's day meal was McD's burgers in the van of the Wal-Mart parking lot, where we went to allow our 4 year old son to buy some things with his birthday money from his Nana.

While we were there we picked up milk, because we needed it.

Then we went to a movie...hubby and I sat together, with kids on either side of us ( to keep them from fighting) we enjoyed the movie, we text messaged each other while watching the movie LOL ( we're geeks LOL) the kids loved the movie, and we enjoyed watching them watch it and enjoy it.

Then when left the movie, we got in the van and went and grabbed some  busted up pallets/skids from behind a store in the city that offers them free for the taking, and drove home. The kids slept in the back seat after about the first 15 minutes of the over 1 hour drive. During that drive home, Hubby and I chatted and laughed, joked and smiled. It was comfortable, and it was good.

We came home and got the kids to bed, and as I write this, DH is now sitting behind me at the stove making fire to warm us up again after being gone for over 7 hours. Then we are going to go to bed, and we'll snuggle and go to sleep, or maybe not... and then we'll go to sleep.

Comfortable is a good place to be :)

being happy, or being miserable is all in how you chose to see things.

How do you see it?

I hope you saw it as a good day, no matter what status you are ( single /married or otherwise)

Happy "just anoher day"

Friday, February 13, 2009

An open letter to Kraft Canada & Mr Christie Crackers

I just opened a "family size" box of Salted top Premium Plus crackers to make lunch for my husband. I put the sleeve on the plate for him to open them and use at his discretion, walking away to continue lunch for the children. He called me into the room and told me to look at the cracker and I immediately noticed that the crackers are no longer square, they are in fact very visibly a rectangle now. In fact I measured them and they are 5 to 6 mm (or .5 cm) shorter on one side.

I would like to think that this is a manufacturing mistake you are unaware of, but sadly I know it is not. I have seen too many companies recently downsizing the amount of food they sell us, in the same looking package, charge the same, or even more then the price before, claiming the cost of ingredients and production, transportation, and the shape the economy is in is making these changes a necessity. We even get carefully worded guilt trips from companies telling us that if you don't do this, you'll have no choice but to discontinue making our cherish and beloved products you offer us...and ya I know, it works for the most part.. the average consumer sucks it up and thinks..."well. it's not THAT bad really... and I really want to still be able to buy my ".

Maybe I could forgive you if I didn't feel so lied to right now. But, the picture on the box shows the crackers are still square, in fact, they are lifesize, they always were. It's a marketing thing, I know.

Though you may have changed the number in grams on the corner of the box to reflect the change and that is all you're required to do, you know full well that if the box looks the same, and it is a trusted product that your customers have been buying for years, they won't take notice of the weight change of the contents in the box.

I can assure you though, HAD I noticed this in the store, I would not have purchased them at all. You rely on people like me shopping in a rush with two small children distracting me to not notice the changes, until we've already bought them, and get home and open them. You then hope we'll be complacent enough to not care, or be too busy to concern ourselves with returning the product, and then hope that we will forget by the next grocery trip and buy them again. You rely on this until we, the general population, just shrug in indifference and keep buying them anyway, because by then, what's the point of complaining. Right?

This is a clear manipulation by your marketing & package design departments, and is a clearly a blatant case of false advertisement you'd hope would slip by without much complaint. Well, Mr. Christie, let me assure you, I don't like being manipulated and lied to and being treated like an idiot.

Perhaps it will just slip by most people. Perhaps you don't care that I've noticed and am upset by this, because I'm just one representative of a small percentage of customers who would take the time to write and complain about this. But I will not sit silent and let you think that you are getting away with this without it being noticed.

I have eaten Premium Plus crackers since I was 4 months old and my mother fed them to me when I was teething, and sadly,at 35 years old, after this box is gone (which I will consume is disgust only to not waste my money) I will no longer be purchasing your crackers.

Sincerely, A mother, wife, and main household shopper in your prime demographic.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

One Word Wednesday

So I've been trying to come up with a Blog "meme" for my posts.. but I didn't want to do other people's memes... and hve been trying to come up with one.. so this one is going around facebook, and I thought I would start "One Word Wednesday"

Maybe I'll come up with a few different questions from somewhere to answer every wednesday, or maybe I'll just post one word... but here it is. My first One word Wednesday

Remember - you can only use ONE WORD in answering each question.

Where is your cell phone?

Your hair?

Your father?

Your favorite thing?

Your dream last night?

Your favorite drink?

Your dream/goal?

The room you are in?

Your fear?

Where do you want to be in 6 years?


One of your wish list items?

Where you grew up?

The last thing you did?

What are you wearing?

Your TV?

Your pets?

Your computer?

Your life?

Your mood?

Missing someone?

Your car?

Favorite store?

Your summer?

Your favorite color?

When was the last time you laughed?

Last time you cried?

Three people who email me?

Three of my favorite foods?

Three places I would rather be right now?

Three people I think will respond?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

it's the little things

On Monday I was feeling like totaly crap after catching some kind of bug at the party we did a photo shot at on Saturday. But the weather was nice, ( above freezeing) and though DD was sick as well, we NEEDED wood, and we had to just suck it up and go do it. so we went off to a freind house ( said friend who sold us the wood stove in fact) and chopped up some dead fall behind her garage and used a  sled to drag it over to the car over the snow in the side yard, and fill the back of the van with wood.

It didn;t take too long , but it totally sucked the energy out of me to do it. The last round of cutting with the chain saw, hubby took the saw and carved our initals in a block of wood. It seems so stupid and silly, but that to me, is better then a dozen roses or chocolates :)

I smiled and told him that now I would not be able to burn that log, I'd have to keep it and varnish it, to preserve it. He asked me why, and said it wasn't even the best he could do, he was just fooling around. I didn't care. it was spontanious, and I loved it. I told him that I would keep it and when I'm 92 and the great grandkids are visiting me and he's dead and gone, that I'd tell them about their great grandfather andhow sweet he was, and how he had crved that for me, the first winter we were in this house, and that he did it with that old fashioned tool called the chain he then of course, being the man that I love and adore... started to joke around in an old man voice saying stuff like we heard our grandparents say... " back in the day, we had to chop and haul our own wood, we didn't have it as good as you kids have it today, where you just plant a tree and press a button and it falls to the ground already dried and cut and split ready to burn!"

I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes LOL...

here's a pic of the wood :)

( today is the 10th anniversary of our private committment ceremony too. just coincidently)

Monday, February 09, 2009

son to bed & SLEEPING-gave melatonin 50 min before bed time-He was in much better mood 2day!
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Melatonin to the MAX!!

So, I mentioned a few posts back that I'm reading some books on ADHD  to refresh my memory, and to apply it to the kids and their hyper ways, scatterbrain issues, and the whole non compliance issues we are having with 2 adhd (plus) kids, and a ADHD mommy who forgets to be consistent in the routine department and consequences to keep them in a routine ( which is how ADHD kids cope best)

Some of the techniques have been things we did before, but me and my ADHD ways, I forget, stop doing them, and things go back to the chaos.But the last two days have been decent when I started the "1,2,3 magic" over again, and I've been able to nip unwanted behaviour in the bud by usually the calm but firm count of two.

One of the biggest issues of ADHD kids is night insomnia...and their inability to "shut off their brain" and get to sleep, they just keep going and going and going, and even when they are totally exhausted and totally crabby and bawling on a puddle on the floor from frustration, they still have a hard time some days falling asleep. it is completely physically and mentally and emotionally exhausting for all involved, and everyone ends up short tempered when lack of decent sleep sets in.

Last night hubby and I were laying in bed chatting and reading the books and comparing notes, and for like the 6th night in a  row, our 8 year old daughter who has been having ever increasing issues falling asleep due to her compulsive worrying and anxieties, comes in unable to sleep again, very frustrated with herself, and upset...I mention to hubby that the book I'm reading mentioned melatonin, and it was something I'd forgotten about. He reminded me that he had some he stopped using because the doctors recommended it for his CFS, but it gave him adverse side effects due to his strange and complex system functioning. So he took out the bottle, read it to see recommendations, weighed our daughter, determined a safe dose and gave it to her for a try. She took it after much convincing and crushing the small pill, and went back to bed, and nothing more was said. She seemed to fall asleep, but we were not sure how long she laid and read or watched a dvd to do so.

Then, she slept in until noon!!! And we had to get up and out the door for a party. she was SOOOO crabby...Yesterday we went to a birthday party for some friend's youngest daughter ( first bday), and we were there for a good 4 hours since I was hired to do photography for the party for them, and since I was busy flitting about the room, my kids filled up on pop and chips and other  hyper inducing foods with very little substance...we got home and once again our children were too hyper at even midnight to sleep ( usual bedtimes is 8:30 and 10 pm) they were fighting and jumping around, watching dvd's trying to "settle" in the kid den, and I was so mentally exhausted i didn't care if they did or did not sleep, I was just at LEAST hoping for a hyper focus on their parts of a movie they liked so I could have some silence and hear myself think after being at a party with over 35 people!

So, forward to today, they had finally fell asleep at like 3 ish AM, and we were heading to bed at like 4 am, because we NEED some no kid, alone time that doesn't involve sleeping side by side....they slept until about 11 am, and got up, and were their usual busy, energetic selves, running all over the house and just going totally full throttle all day.

I was so not in any position today to hear their fighting and arguments, and trying to explain personal space to a wiggling 4 year old...I'm feeling like I am getting some stomach bug of some kind, and my plans to do anything productive to make up for my total lack of housework the last 3 days was  foiled...i did a few dishes and cleaned up after the stuff they did today, so as not to have a COMPLETE disaster to clean up tomorrow or whenever I feel better, and I was mentally drained and in no mood to deal with kids again until 3 am!  

Hubby reminded me to try them both on melatonin tonight, so I broke up the doses and put it in their drinks at the table for their evening lunch ( snack really, but in Cape Breton the  food and tea consumed between the large evening meal and bedtime is called lunch)

Within 35 minutes, my son who ate his lunch licking his milk from a bowl to "play puppy" while he danced standing on the chair while eating his food, yelling and singing at the top of his lungs to annoy the pants off his sister, was laying over the computer chair in the living room, starting to look TIRED!!! and my daughter, who during her lunch at the table being pestered by her little brother ans was whining in piercing tones to tell me to make him stop bugging her and SCREAMING at him while she swung her leg from the chair in a  rhythmic motion to keep moving, was sitting easily without figitting beside hubby looking at the latest video going around on twitter ( david after the dentist!) and was giggling, not LAUGHING so loud that she was shreaking and getting wound up!!!! I looked at them and almost wondered where my children were and who replaced them with these reasonable replicas!! I then said to hubby.."I gave them the melatonin at lunch eh?" and he said, " you mean just now?" ( he still cannot understand why we east coaster call it lunch) and I said Ya.. he looked at Bupba and was in shock! " he's actually TIRED!!!"

Usually bedtime is an hour fight to get them upstairs and requires me to be with them for 4 to 5 story books, dark rooms, and whispering and keeping them in their rooms. Tonight I said " time for bed I think" and told them to head on up, and they pretty much went without arguing with ME or each other!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went up to check on them and found them laying on the floor in the den camped out watching fox and the hound being very interested and quiet and NOT climbing the shelves, jumping off the desks I just left them....then I went back and checked again... in less then 20 minutes of them tucking THEMSELVES in ( albeit on the floor in the den with fox and the hound playing on the TV but who am I to be a stickler at THIS point!), they were both asleep!!!!!!

I almost began to cry from relief!!!... it is ALMOST 2 am here, and hubby and I have had about an hour and a half of alone time already!!! I hope this is NOT an anomaly and that this will continue!!!!

Tomorrow night, I'll give them the melatonin with a snack   half hour before their respective set bedtimes and see where it takes us...lets hope we've hit on something to help them regulate their sleeping issues.

Now for the crappy part.....hubby is trying to convince ME to take melatonin too, so maybe I'll get to bed before 5 am and sleep better in the night....and I'm resisted the urge to argue about it, because 2 am is when I do my best hyper focusing on stuff like getting my website updated, or chat with my friend on gmail, or tweet, or blogging.... etc... LOL...

Friday, February 06, 2009

jumbo shrimp

is there such a thing?

Quote of the day

Develop the mind of equilibrium. You will always be getting praise and blame, but do not let either affect the poise of the mind: follow the calmness, the absence of pride.

Confessions of "ADDGirl"

So...some people don't get this "personal" on their blogs and I always wonder where the line might be, but I've decided recently that I'm not going to censor myself this way...and besides there are only about 4 or 5 of you who read this on any regular basis, and we are all human, and I write this to be "me".. so if I reveal a real part of me....that's ok. I've been working on accepting that not everyone in the world will like me and that it is OK to not be liked by everyone and it is not necessary to feel anxiety of someone doesn't like me for any reason, be it a legitimate reason, or one they perceive that is just not true.

I, as a lot of people... have emotional baggage, I'm sure my baggage is just baggage to many, and to others it would be the kind of baggage, that makes you thankful for your own baggage. But... being a child who grew up with ADD and learning disabilities unknown to anyone, including themselves.. and being a kid who grew up in a family of drinkers, I have a LOT of emotional baggage.. like huge LUGGAGE that needs to be checked in to be carried around. Over the years I have been able to find peace in my life and work out some emotional stuff, to be able to downsize my emotional Baggage to just a few carry on pieces. But they are always still there, reminding me, making it hard to walk down the narrow aisles of life, smacking other passengers in the shoulder, and leaving me full of anxiety, upset, sadness, frustration, and much more wishing I could be a minimalist and just throw out the carry on bags and be done with it.

Anyway.. I tell you all of that to tell you this...The largest article in my carry on baggage is anxiety about most social situations & the relationships I have with people in my spouse, my children, my neighbors, acquaintances, extended family etc... I worry constantly about how people look at me ( opinions) how I behave in situations etc.. you know a basic need (addiction) for approval by people... to the point that lack of obvious signs of approval from people, makes me think they don't like me, I made them mad and that's why they don't call, so then I avoid them. fear of saying the wrong thing, not being "cool, nice, important, funny etc" enough to be their friend etc.

this has caused me to be a "people pleaser" all of my life, and led me to job in the caregiver field being a personal care worker for people with disabilities.

Anyway...It is something that drives me NUTS, and something I wish I could change in myself without taking anxiety drugs prescribed by a doctor, and without coping with alcohol as I did in my early 20's.

This whole thing, I've known for some time, stems from my basic relationship with my mother as a child. the person as a baby/child trusted the most, looked to for my needs to be met. The issue was that my mother was 16,and practically a baby herself emotionally with the MASSIVE check in luggage she started her adult life with, and therefore she was literally incapable of providing me with the solid foundations I needed to foster relationships and nurture them in a positive way in my life. AS a result of being an ADD child with learning disabilities I was no doubt a challenge to parent growing up. There was a lot of "emotional abuse" in my life growing up, and I've known for a long time that it colored the way I act, react, and come at the relationships in my life with people.

this could end up turning into a book, but I'll save that, and just touch the points as best I 30 years old and during the pregnancy of my second child my hidden ADD got bad.. to the point of putting me in mental inertia, and I felt like I was going in circles with one foot nailed to the floor. I was a complete mental wreck from the raging pregnancy hormones playing with my brain chemistry. So much so, I sought help from a counselor, who recommended me to an ADD Doctor because she thought that was the issue. I was diagnosed shortly after my son's birth in 2005. I started to read some books about ADD as much as I could to grasp as much as I could about it to try and make positive changes in my life, to learn to manage the ADD and not let it manage me. It was bad enough that is made my marriage have times of serious stress, and my husband and I fought and argued a lot....there were times when I could not take the stress and thought... a LOT that i should just leave the relationship, because it didn't matter what I did, I was just not able to make it work.

I'd been trying to tell my husband for the last 4 years or so since my diagnosis, that even given his very high level of patience for my daily mess ups, and slip ups, forgetfulness, disorganization, and ease with which I can create chaos that he didn't understand where I was coming from because he could not possibly understand what it is like to have ADD and personally live with being a flake so much.

I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I beat myself up emotionally as was done to me as a child every time I mess up. by the time he sees the mess up and starts getting upset at me( even when it is totally within reason that he SHOULD be upset about it) I've already been chastising myself about it, and that little chastiser in my brain suddenly gets defensive and snaps back at him because he is stepping on her was the best way I could describe it, because that it what happens when he expresses his disappointment and frustration sadness, or even anger at something my ADD is responsible for. ( this can occur a lot, because well...I mess up a lot, and we argue every time it does because I tell him, he needs to not complain so much, and he tells me I have no idea how much he holds back and doesn't say.)

So recently, with the kids being completely out of hand with the routines and hyperness and ADD qualities I seem to have passed onto them, I put some books on hold at the library to read about ADHD parenting. I figured a little reeducation on ideas for myself, as well as for things to do with the kids to make things less chaotic in the home would be a benefit to everyone.

I ordered a book that is brand new in the stores, and our library bought it and we were the first to put a hold on it and get it in. While I was reading Daredevils and DayDreamers, my husband started reading the new one, called "SuperParenting for ADD".

After he read the first chapter he had an epiphany, and we had what I think is a significant turning point in our relationship regarding my ADD, and if that is the ONLY thing that book was good for then it has done good by me...(but I have a feeling it will be even better as each page is read, for us as parents of kids with ADD)

so, he reads the first chapter and then once the kids were in bed, started a conversation with " so, when I get mad at you, and you feel like you're "getting in trouble" as you call it..tell me how you feel... tell me what you're thinking in those moments."

So I started to rhyme off some stuff, not getting deep about it.. and he kept asking me to think more....and I was getting annoyed...I just wanted to relax, not get all philosophical and deep. But he pressed gently/firmly and said he was curious and wanted to know, and didn't want to give me any leads. He wanted to hear from ME what I felt.... so I thought about it, and talked about it, and I told him that I don't feel like he loves me anymore when he gets upset with me, or is disappointed in me...I started to get emotional...damn I hate when he makes me cry cause he makes me go deep in the luggage to find crap. ( but at the same time I love him for it.. he is my biggest supporter, best friend, and one of the biggest reasons I've come this far emotionally).

So we started talking and I told him that I don't feel loved, and that I hate disappointing him, because I just want him to be happy all the time and never be disappointed in me, or upset, or sad or hurt by something I've done. I told him I can't handle when people are mad at me, and it bothers me deeply. Then he asked me "but don't you know that it is just you're behavior, or the consequences we endure due to your ADD moments that I'm not happy with and that I still love you no matter what?" to which I promptly started cry and told him, in fact no I don't know that he still loves me at all. One of the biggest things that always hurts me so much when he gets upset with me, is that he can seem to walk away from it to cool off and does cool off and then never touches on it again, and I am left there still full of anxiety and resentment and fear and sadness feeling totally unloved like a complete failure, because of just how much I often do mess up ( daily, hourly sometimes even...there are days I should have never gotten out of bed because my brain chemistry is just not gonna allow me to function in any decent way at all)

He was surprised and said he really didn't think of it that way, and that it just occurred to him as he read the book because it explained how kids with ADD treated negatively emotionally by their parents can often end up having that color the way they have relationships for the rest of their lives.

I was never jealous of it, but he is always very good at letting the kids know that he was disappointed in their behavior but that he still loves them no matter what etc, and would hug them, wink, or give a pat on the head, and they would go off smiling and happy again. He said that it had never even occurred to him that I never got that kind of treatment as a child, and even thought we've talked about it, he didn't think about the fact that perhaps I was never told the behavior was negative, but i w as still loved.

I confirmed, while crying my eyes out, that yes, that is the case, and that knowing after I burn his roastbeef for the millionth time in ten years, or forget something, or break something, that he still loves me, would go a long way in making me feel less of a failure, and help me know that he still loves me. (I did take the moment to point out too, that with my learning disability, if I can't learn to consistently and properly cook a roast in the 10 years we've been together, perhaps the beef dinners would be best left to him, and we'd all be happy. LOL :))

It's been a few days since that talk now, and he's been his ever patient self, we're working on being more open instead of getting defensive right away, and him listening... and he's been being more attentive in the way I need him to be attentive.. not with flowers and crap, but with changing the way he approaches the way he guides me when we cook together, and being sure that he lets me know that he loves me...lovey and even sexy text messages in the midst of being upset with me, is helping me know that he is not taking away his love just because I messed up yet again and he has no clean socks to wear out of the house and I forgot to vacuum the living room floor AGAIN today like I said I was trying to get to, etc etc.

in a way it sucks that I have to mother the ADD child in me that never got the foundation she needed to be a better emotional functioning adult.... and it sucks that my husband is in essence paying the emotional debt left by others in my love bank, but we're getting there... and hopefully in time to be the kind of supportive positive mother my children need with their ADD in order to give them a fighting chance at managing their ADD traits in adulthood better.

Last night we cooked a dinner together and managed to get through it without arguing and actually smiling and enjoying ourselves by the time it got to the table, rather then me feeling upset, and misunderstood, and resentful and defensive walking away to try and gather myself again. It was nice. the food was really good. the best roast beef I've had in a Long time ( because I didn't cook it... LOL)... and I want it to continue.

anyway.. I'm off to bed, cause this took me over an hour to write out with the interruptions and it's late and hubby's patiently (?) waiting for me to finish this.

So there ya have it.... confessions of "ADDgirl" as my hubby fondly calls me ( and I actually don't mind)

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Uggg-this inner healing stuff really makes for intense crying spells to release the toxic C.R.A.P.
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Tuesday, February 03, 2009

My baby turned 4 today!

Today my son turned 4 yeas old.
On friday he declared while cuddling in bed with hubby and I in the morning, that he wanted an outside birthday. With his Bday being on a weekday it was going to be hard to plan anything in such short notice, but some friends have kids who were not in school today so they came sledding with us for his bday.

the weather was PERFECT and we had a BLAST, hotchocolate and cupcakes were enjoyed and everyone had a good time... though my tooshie is VERY sore now!!!!

here are some pics from the day's events :)

Hubby took most of the pictures, and decorated the cake this year too :)

Monday, February 02, 2009

25 things about Me

this is a note going around face book right now, that I was tagged for by my friends and did...

1. Stupid People annoy me
2. I rarely share my talents with people for fear of being called a "know it all" or arrogant.. mainly because I hate people who claim they have talent, don't in fact have any, and are arrogant about it because they don't know they don't.
3. I hate cooking, I don't have the attention for it
4. I love sweets way too much
5. I worry way too much...about everything
6. I hate shopping..maybe because i can't afford "fun shopping"
7.I love power tools, I'd rather be in at home depot or Princess Auto then a woman's clothing store
8.I hate the taste of Coffee and don't get the whole Timmie's craze or the Starbucks phenomenon, I've never bought a coffee, and I don't get why anyone would pay $4.00 for cup of something that tastes like shit and needs to be covered up with half the cup filled with sugar and cream. I do however, like the smell of coffee and wish I could like it, but I just can't.
9. I don't drink alcohol...except on very rare occasions.. like holidays, new years etc... and I have not been drunk in about 5 years. i could totally be a drunk easily, because i love crown royal and ginger, and love sparkly white wines A LOT.I could easily be an alcoholic if i wanted to be.
10. I love hot chocolate, as much as you probably love your Timmie's coffee, but I rarely drink it.
11. I communicate better in email & written form then I do in person for the most part, and worry all the time people thing I'm strange/rude because of it.
12.I have ADD and have lost the ability to concentrate on this so many times, i'm only at number 12 and I've been writing it for over an hour.
13. I am dyslexic.. that doesn't mean i see letters backwards, but it affects how i process what i read, my spelling, and ability to pronounce words right.
14. I am hearing impaired. I have audio processing disorder that makes it hard for me to talk to people in a crowd, over the phone or where background noise it. I read lips a lot. I often don't hear what people say right and make a fool of myself. Like today outside a family had a dog, and I thought they were calling it "blister" and i asked if it was a he or she.. turns out the dogs name is "mister"...woohoo
15. I taught myself to play the guitar at 13 years old, i write country music and well I could be famous... but since I stopped drinking in my 20's I have too much anxiety to sing in front of anyone anymore.
16. I'd like to change that about myself & make a CD of my music.
17. I love living in the country, it's totally me
18. I rarely wear makeup, takes too much time
19. I met my husband on the Internet, everyone said you can't find true love on the internet. we've been together for 10 years now.
20. i don't have friends, lots of acquaintances, but very few true friends. if i had to say i had a BF I'd say it would be SJSH, and she knows who she is.
21. I used to be a Karaoke hostess for a living.
22. I love my husband more than life itself, he is my best friend
23. I adore my children so much it makes my cry. I birthed them both at home in a kiddie pool, naturally with no drugs.
24. I chose to start living my life as a Buddhist over 9 years ago
25. I'm short (4 foot 11) and fat and I don't think I'm pretty... I hate everything about my physical self except my ears and my eyes.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My Soap Opera-As the Log Burns

As The Log Burns....the daily soap opera of my life right now LOL...As anyone reading knows by the short text blogs recently, or because it is all I've been tweeting and facebooking about...we've been dealing with heating the new house with wood.

The house has electric baseboard heaters and a propane "fireplace" heater/stove for a heat source. When we moved in we had no idea that the propane stove here was such an inefficient way to heat. But when the tanks that were 65% full on closing day dropped to 18% full, and a quick calculation by hubby revealed we burned through over $400 in propane in less then 3 weeks, we figured that other sources of heating were absolutely necessary right away!!

After we recovered from near heart failure from this discovery, we shut off the propane heater and discovered that the baseboard heaters that were set to 10 degrees Celsius were actually throwing off about 17 degrees C, so when the hydro bill comes I plan to be sitting before we open it.( This whole thing just makes me wish we could get off the grid even faster, then our plan and intent.. the wind here is amazing!!!).

Our water is heated by the propane as well, so we've been using the remainder of the propane for hot water and it has dropped down to about 14 % full now since then. With the propane heater off, and a warm spell in the weather, we quickly found a wood stove to buy. I had been searching for a cheap as possible option on a wood stove anyway as we had planned to heat the house with wood partially, and "at some point" but we didn't anticipate that we'd have to resort to wood almost completely right away.

We are regular users/givers of the Freecycle type community based programs locally, so I had asked there, but nothing was available for free that we could get here without a rental of a forklift and a huge truck, but a person we freecycle with regularly who has become a friendly acquaintance, emailed me and said for a donation to her charity of $50 she would sell me a woodstove she had stored away for her living room since she was in the middle of renovating and wouldn't be able to utilize the stove until over a year from now.

It was very thoughtful of her to do, as she now will need to find another wood stove when she has her renovations done next year. I was happy to make a donation to her charity helping people in the 3rd world with books and personal hygiene items and clothes she boxes and mails to them. She also offered us a bunch of fallen down deadwood in her back yard that we can come and gather at our leisure through the winter, which I was supposed to go get today...but could not do... and I'll touch on that later..... So we installed the woodstove over a couple of days, with a few trips to the city to try and find proper stove pipes for the hole in the wall provided for the stove! ( someone didn't measure!! Ahem... not ME) That was most frustrating, but it gave me the opportunity for a drive by myself to the city while everyone rested at home, and I got to see the new Lowe's Store that just opened. A peacefull drive alone is a rarity around here. The night we got the wood stove installed, a wind storm provided us with some fallen trees to burn almost right away, and we managed to scavenge some free broken pallets from large boxstores to break up to burn to get us through the first week.

On the first days of gathering fallen trees, the small circular saw on a dying battery and the reciprocating saw on battery as well ( crappy JobMate from Canadian Tire set), proved to be pretty useless after the first few minutes or trying to cut through nay peice of wood, but i was better then nothing and t provided us the ability to cut enough of a line in the branches to crack them with our feet and body weight.

Scrambling for a better option for tools after the holiday seasons with little left in our bank accounts, we made the executive decision that a chain saw was necessary for us to be able to deal with heating the house with free wood. This meant we would have to tap into the kids allowance account. We just cannot afford to purchase a cord of seasoned firewood right now, after the moving costs, and the holidays so close together on our minimal monthly income our pensions give us.

We used most of what we had left in the budget and moving allowance to already purchase the wood stove and pipes necessary to get it installed. But, my 8 year old Daughter has a bank account that half of her allowance gets deposited into monthly and any gift money she is given for birthdays and holidays. She has been saving up since early September for a new camera, which we promised to help her buy by matching her dollar for dollar for. She already has the Canon camera she wants picked out, but we are waiting for it to go on sale to save a few extra dollars, so we informed her of the delay and reassured her that the camera will happen, but that it needed to be delayed for the sake of heating the house right now. She was a little worried, but with reassurances she understood and with her contribution we had enough with what we had left in our monthly budget for emergencies to be able to combine it to purchase a decent little 13 pound Poulin gas powered chainsaw for $140 ish at Lowe's. My 3 year old son was excited that it was green and matched my Virgin Mobile LG Rumor Phone...LOL.. truth be told I kinda was too :)

Having grown up in the country and also helping out at Dh's Aunt's campground in years past I know how to work a chain saw well enough to look like I know what I'm doing, and as long as it is not too heavy, and I can start it, I figured I could do pretty well at using it myself to keep us in free wood for as long as possible, and do a majority of the physical work my hubby is unable to do due to the limiting nature of his disability.

The first few days, he wore himself out using it, and he had to start it for me. It took a bit to figure out how to get it started, and I near ripped my arm off the first few times I went out side to our wood pile to gather some wood for the house. Funny enough... if you read the manual all the way through step by step...the instructions actually tell you what you need to do to be successfull at starting the darn thing LOL...Being ADHD, I'm kinda like a guy... I don't read manuals well.They are boring to me...takes too much time. I'm more suited to Ikea type picture directions with no words or just stumbling through things until I figure it out, or give up in frustration and have to concede that I need help or to read the manual.

So the last 3 weeks or so have been filled with busy busy days or physical hard work, not very much unpacking, and faling behind on regular housework like getting Laundry done. Every day feels like the groundhog day movie with Bill Murray...Wake up...Get up, start the fire, get the house warm again, eating, feeding the kids breakfast, going out to cut the pallets we've collected on our trips to bring in wood for the day, going for drives to collect dead fall that people on freecycle have said we could go pick up, or going for drives to wooded public land areas near the lake where there is older deadfall laying on the ground we could chunk up and filling the back of our minivan with and bringing it home. OR scavenging pallets from stores in the city when we are there for other purposes.Come home...prepare dinner together, which has been nice since we have not done that in AGES, and was one of the prime reasons for buying the house with the master bedroom on the main floor ( to give hubby more access and ability of his own)

We all do the collecting of the deadfall together...I do the cutting of the pallets and wood to burnable sizes at home mostly, and bring it in two times a day in a yardcart, and hubby makes the heat :) He's great at building fires,being the boy scout he is :) and the stone floor and brick wall the stove is on is like a heat sink and just keeps the heat in it for hours. We are able to maintain a decent enough temp in the living areas of the house and have the bedrooms be a bit cooler. Slippers and sweaters and snuggling with lap blankets are necessary at times, but it's cozy, and we're warm enough...we're not shivering, or chattering our teeth with blue lips by any means.

The transition to wood heat that is more hands on and needs to be tended to has not been too difficult for us. We've been down this road before when we live in Cape Breton, and I grew up heated by wood stoves. The ability to just turn on a thermostat is an ability a lot in our society in this day an age take for granted. I thought of my childhood and called home to thank my father for working so hard all those years ( he's STILL doing it!) to keep us warm.

I've been pretty impressed with ourselves and our ability to heat the house for essentially nothing once you subtract the purchase of tools like chainsaw and Maul Axe, and ongoing small amounts of gas and oil, but a big pile of wood in my driveway would not be turned away, or unappreciated. we're still living out of boxes due to the need to change over this early in our move.

My kids have a new appreciation for being warm, and the cost of keeping a house warm, and my three year old keeps going around the house telling me to shut off lights cause I'm "waisting the lectrickity"

I love the wood stove. It carries a lot of good memories for me growing up rural, and being warmed by the fire after being outside in the cold winter day sledding, or skiiing. Hubby loves tneding the fire, as there is something Zen and medatative about building a fire to warm us.

The kids love the wood stove too, and enjoyed sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows next to it to warm up after an attempt two days ago at skating on the frozen Mill pond across the road from our house....

Which brings me to today....and Why I have the time to sit here and FINALLY blog about it all.... and why I could not go and gather the dead wood at the friends house whom we bought the woodstove from, before the cold weather came on tonight...plain and simple... I shoveled the pond for skating... and I hurt myself.. again! :( You would think I'd learn, but I've never any other year in all my 34 years hurt myself shoveling like this... I've had sore arms from the workout or using an axe and chainsaw, etc, but I REALLY hurt myself again like on Solstice! Feeling like I put my lower back/pelvis out of alignment again.

Pain sucks...and today I was supposed to go cut up wood and bring it home to keep our heat going and I just could not... I can hardly get from the bed to the couch, where I sit now, typing this with a wireless keyboard on my lap.

I certainly cannot operate a chainsaw and axe today, bend and lift, and drive, and do all the things necessary to keep us in wood. I brought in what I could manage the other day and we burned through that the last two days, and then today we had nothing in the house. The temp was around plus 1 celcius, but snow and rain mix iwas forcast for the evening ( which it is doing now) and then 4 to 5 days of -12 to -20 degree temps.. not good collecting wood temps! Unsure of what to do I was chatting with a friend on facebook about my back, and when she asked how I was feeling and if there was anything she could do to help, I took her offer of help. Not sure if it was doable because it was a BIG favor, I asked if she knew anyone who heats with wood and could she see if they could spare a donation of some wood to get us through the next few really cold days until my back heals up enough for me to get back at sawing and cutting and splitting etc...she said to leave it with her, and got back to me a little while later, and called me to say she is on her way out with some wood for I sit here waiting for her arrival, worried about the roads and her travelling in it, ever greatful for kindness and great people in our lives, wondering how I can pay it back in kind at some point.

My children being their usual energetic selves, drove me crazy this morning because I could hardly move and they were jumping all around me, and ON me and I could not tolerate even noise from the pain...they soon thereafter showed their compassionate sides and offered to come outside and help me gather the little bit of wood I could manage to gather with pain meds in me, and cut up with a table saw in the work shop so I wouldn't have to bend over, in order to keep the fire going today.

And somewhere on the coast of Scotland, a tubular log maker is making it's way to the Shetland Islands to my cousin's house, from a kind woman giving it to us, and posting it at her cost to my cousin, who is in turn going to box it, with other goodies from her family over across the pond to us ASAP, so we can utilize the abundance of cardboard and newspaper here to use as alternative fuel for the woodstove as well.

Though I feel sick to my stomach from the codine I'm taking for the pain, and a little spinny in the head too, and sore...I am smiling because we are blessed with warmth, by fire, and by kindness from people in our lives.