Monday, March 30, 2009

long silence...soo busy these days

Each of us has characteristics we define as 'good' and those we define as 'bad.' The parts of ourselves that we continually reject want to be acknowledged and loved. Until we honour these aspects, they will continue to assert themselves. They will do whatever they can to get our attention.

What aspects of yourself do you reject?

Take a few moments to open to the parts of yourself that you do not love. See each one honestly for what it is. Explore the wounds and the motives that gave rise to its condition. Love a wounded part of yourself and it will heal.

I've been trying to do some deeper evaluation of myself these days and see why I am the way I am.. I mean I KNOW why I am the way I am to an extent. We can call it nature...the brain chemistry I've been given is not anything I can deny, change, or get rid of, but I can learn to live with it better.

Struggling with Auditory Processing Disorder and ADHD is not easy.. but to try to explain the depths that it affects my life and the lives of the people who I live with is almost impossible. People do not think ADHD and go, oh wow, ADHD impairs you enough to cause you to be on a disability pension?!

umm yes it does.

The dealing with Auditory processing dysfunction on top of that makes things REALLY REALLY HARD, and  until recently I never really realized just HOW much it impares me. I was not aware just how much i hide my inability to hear people when there is background noise, too many voices in the room, etc. I didn't realize that it impaired my judgment on being able to understand people with thick accents. I never realized just how much mental power it takes in a day for me to process everything I hear and have to try and filter out. I didn't realize how  half the arguments I have with my husband or children, are due to me not hearing properly what i being said, making an assumption, and basing my next statement or decision on THAT info, and it being a total and complete miscommunication that leads to  upset people, hurt feelings, and MAJOR frustration on every one's part.

I hate that I make SO many mistakes all the time. that I lose stuff, forget things, burn dinner misread the directions and get us lost, mis calculate the numbers and  screw up the banking etc etc. I've spent so much time in my life trying to hide my shortcomings from everyone else for fear of big ridiculed for them, AND for being emotionally beaten down in my younger years for being "day dreamy" scatterbained and cumbsy, that I will deny until I am blue in the face such an incident even if the evidence is right there for all the world to see. and then I just look insane, like a liar.

Studying Buddhism for the last 8ish years has lead me down a path of finding out who I really am, it has given me the strength I needed thus far... but there is such a long journey still ahead of me. I try to make it about the journey and not the destination, but it is never easy to stay mindful of such things al the time.The road is sometimes VERY bumpy and the hills are VERY high to climb...some days I'm too tired to keep going.

 I've been trying to work on actually finding out WHAT I want in life... not this is not some kind of midlife crisis.. I've always been evaluating this, but I'm trying to prioritise what is important, what NEEDS to be done and what doesn't etc.

What is it that my subconscious seeks so badly that i will do emotionally dysfunctional things to achieve, almost regardless of the cost.. I'm still analysing....What do i want to do...what do I LIKE to do, what do i LOVE to do, not just what am i capable of doing, because honestly.. I'm probably capable of pretty much doing just about anything I have interests in. So what do i like to do, what gives me and my family pleasure, and what can I let go.... since I like to do so many thing sand have yet till a list of things I want to do and try that I have no time for. 

So far this is what I know.

I am a people person.

I have the "gift to gab"

I can sing, and VERY good at it, and enjoy doing so. it brings me peace internally, but I'm terrified to sing in public anymore since I stopped drinking.

I like photography I like painting, and I've figured out what kind of photography I like to do, so I'm leaving the other kinds behind.

I'm very inventive & creative about re purposing stuff

I'm poor at organization

I'm physically clumsy

I'm poor at internal time telling

I hardly ever finish ANYTHING I start and I want to change that, I want to feel like I can accomplish something, be proud of myself for a FINISHED job. I feel the need to

I get very deeply upset when I make mistakes and disappoint people. I don't like people around me to be sad or unhappy.

I get very upset when people don't take time to know me and then make assumptions about my life.

I want to be recognized for the things I do that I am good at.. on an overall scale.. I'm not talking personally by people in my house necessarily because the recognition is there. I'm talking about on a larger scale. I don't mean I need or want to be worldwide famous, but I'd like some recognition  for my creativity and hard work, and good ideas, and have them bring my family some financial Independence and capabilities...

ohh .. I'd write more.. but i'm tired, and my brain is feeling like mush and tomorrow is grocery day

Friday, March 13, 2009

RedNeck SwingSet

who needs a $400 wooden swing set from Toys R US!! ( well I wouldn;t turn it down if someone offered it to us, but... when you can't afford it, you do what you have to...)

$1 worth of rope hanging around the workshop, two pieces of two by four for free from wood pallets we acquired, a couple holes drilled in the wood to string the rope through.. tied to the sturdy pre existing structure on the side of the work shop=happy kids.

the kids played outside for about 3 hours today.. they came in with their faces all rosey red :)

It's nice to have a back yard, but I'm still a little worried about 4 yo son being out there, as he follows his big sister around the house and our sidewalk is close to the road.. which you would think on a back country road, should not be an issue, but some local idiots lie to drive by the house doing about 40 over the limit :( think I might get some nails for the road and have my tea on the front step and wait for them to turn the corner! we need to get the fence built. in the sections that are not done.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

ADD strikes again :P

So very often with ADD, I think to do something and then so many things between when I thought of it and when I get it done distract me, that it is lucky that I get it done even at all!

here's a silly event that happaned last night.. I'm cutting and pasting from my facebook status wall and comments to poor hubby really does have a good sense of humor about it all thank goodness :)

and because some people asked me I thought I'd clarify that No, in fact I do not mind that he calls me ADDGirl :)

My Status:
Ril never remembers to have a cup of tea.. but I just saw Rose Marie is having one, so I'm gonna go make a cup. 11:29pm
 Carolyn at 11:11am March 10
ACK! I can't live without tea, lol. Hope you enjoyed it!

  at 1:19pm March 10 
Lol took me 5 hours to make it-then forgot it while changing the sheets& it was only luke warm by the time i remembered it again-half the cup is cold on my bedside table-lol-i'll try again today!
 Dear Hubby at 2:29pm March 10

Her:Do you want a cup of tea, dear?
Me: Umm, sure. Yeah, I guess, that sounds good.
Her - disappears into kitchen.

Her: So,do you want Earl Grey or this Peach stuff?
Me: WTF?
 MamRil  at 2:48pm March 10
LOL ADDgirl strikes again :P

Now I'm gonna post this and go to make a cup of tea....lets see how long it takes me to get it today :)

Monday, March 09, 2009

family fun day!

We went curling today at our local club for a free intro to curling day... the kids LOVED it...we're thinking of going back the next free day, and possibly seeing if we can scrounge up the funds for a seasons next year... it's $450.00 for a whole seasn, adn that is a LOT of money!!! but we really do love curling, the sport, to watch.. and after today...we really love the idea of trying it for a season as an activity. a good way for the kids to get out their energy.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

No it's not icecream

Chocolate chip cookie dough. I made a double batch when making
cookies, cause hubby likes to indulge while I make the cookies.

Homeschooling before supper

Hubby and the children decided to do some chemistry/science tonight
making crystals, while I made a science experiment of cooking dinner.
I snuck the picture, he doesn't like having his picture taken, and
he'll be upset that I did, but I don;t care...he is a good daddy &
that needs to be documented :)

Monday, March 02, 2009

Manic Monday

Well it can hope....maybe things around here will level out a bit now... my cyclical shift in hormones is weaning and therefore making me less scatterbrained and less umm...bitchy again.. according to the people around me anyway.. :P

Unfortunately with hormone fluctuations, it seems n matter how well the Concerta is working for me, I become a complete bumbling idiot at this time. it drives me nuts, because it affects me on so many levels, and I end up going around in circles like I have one foot nailed to the floor. I hate that it means that I spend my time catching up, and falling behind every month... I really need to get a handle on this, as the management of it right now if not effective. Suppressing my menses with a birth control pill, as my family practitioner suggested, has not been effective at ALL thus far.

So today meant the start of catching up on the stuff I always fall behind on during my cyclical trip to ADDworld for a week to 10 days.thankfully, when my mom & dad were passing through on the way home, my mom ( also ADD) whirled through my kitchen and cleaned it up for me, so I've been trying to stay on top of what she did, and not let it get too bad, so it has not been too bad.

I'm still feeling a bit sctterbrained, my attention span is pretty low... but I'm trying to push through.

Today I got up, feed the kids ( homemade waffles and icecream) They were totally impressed that mom gave them ice cream for breakfast, but hey.. I figure, it is dairy, and they'll eat it, and has no more sugar then a box of fruit loops with milk anyway, or pouring over half a bottle of syrup on them... and the coolmom points I gained for that maybe help offset how crabby I've been this last 2 weeks. After the icecream breakfast the boy required bathing because he was covered in icecream and he hates being of his sensory issues, among others.

I went out and got a yard cart full of wood. made a fire. did a sink full of dishes,folded laundry, put more in washer, & switched some over to dryer.

Then I cut out pictures of clothes from the weekly ads for clothing stores. My daughter who is 8, never puts her clothes away when I give them to her, and her dresser is EMPTY, with her clean clothes all over her room getting mixed up with her dirty stuff. She's a visual learner,and get overwhelmed easily by stuff she thinks is too complicated or require multi steps to finish, so I asked if some pictures on the drawers would help and she said yes, so we sat together and cut out socks and underwear, sweaters, shirts, pj's and pants and dresses pictures and stuck them on her dresser with clear packing tape. Quick and dirty, but she was happy, and now she can see what goes where...4yo son wants the same done for him stuff. more cool mom points.

Then I went upstairs with my fixed computer to set it back up. Hubby finally looked at it last night after supper when I asked him to if I brought him everything he needed. I had alreayd had the power supply unscrewed and case open, and the power supply from the kids PC un hooked and ready to go inot mine. As suspected, the power supply had died for some unknown reason, but Dh was not up to looking at it since I had done that over 2 weeks ago. As I cannot edit any of my pictures or write anything without my computer, I was getting antsy, and I think did pretty good at not being pushy ( read crqabby and bossy) at him to look at it. it was not easy for him to do, but he did it, thankfully...( he got paid later in trade :P)

My computer is upstairs in the office, but no networking wires have been run yet, so I'll have to put stuff on a thumb drive and bring it down here to the laptop in order to upload anything to the internet, but at least I can work again. I need to get working on the websites.

Anyway, I got the computer hooked back up, and my desk moved a little more over to where I wanted it, unpacked 5 boxes, and made a few phone calls needed to be made about acquiring some real fire wood...yes already CUT & Split! I'm working on getting that in the next week...for the rest of our cold weather, and to help us get a head start on next year's cold season.

Then I fed hubby a late lunch, which required him reminding me he had not eaten to remember...concerta takes away my appitite, and when I'm not hungry I don't think of food, so I literally need a schedule or it is not even on my radar. He was complaining he was cold at his computer...our bedroom is on the main floor, and with some well placed fans and a good fire we can usually get it up to a decent 19 to 22 degress C in there, but for some odd reason the front door on the house blew open last night with minus -18 degress outside and was open for about 10 to 15 minutes before we really noticed...( because we were sitting right BY the fire) I kept saying to DH " why am I feeling such a cold draft all of a sudden?") The door somehow popped open, and was sitting WIDE open, letting out all the hot air , and our bedroom has been unable to get above 14 degrees C since last night. I was worried about our budgies getting a chill, as they are right near the way through the bedroom to the front door of the house, and the breeze was blowing through there, but they seem fine, thankfully.

I decided to do something about the issue, and hang the fan up high in the doorway as we'd been talking about for a while now.

Well being the ADDer I am...the tools I needed to hang the fan, were missing...still are in fact. this kind of thing, drive hubby NUTS, and in order to not go insane watching me, he had to just walk away and leave me to it, because I had to look for a drill bit and hookeyes etc. I searched and looked around and cannot find the drill bits, but my ADD saved the day, because I went to the workshop to get the ladder, and got sidetracked off searching through other stuff, and found a better option to hanging the fan that would not require the cuphooks and drillbit! :) I ended up finding a different option, and went on the mission to hang the fan by our bedroom entrance ( no door yet) to let the hotter air that rises go into our room. It took me over 2 hours to find the stuff I needed with that little side jaunt in the workshop, and getting the ladder, putting in the hooks, and getting the fan up there.. but I got it up there...hubby snapped a picture from his phone.

Super ADD Girl to the rescue :)

the black wire in the picture is a temperature sensor from a thermometer DH's father bought him for christmas, that has come in quite useful, as it tells us the temp up high where I hung it around the corner, and then also down low on his bedside table where the middle of our room basically is.

I had to go get another yard cart of wood, and make another fire, but it has now been an hour since I hung the fan and the bedroom is now gone from 14 to 17 degrees.. with the fan hanging blowing air that is at about 24 degrees into the room. Hopefully in another hour or so with keeping up with the fire , the bedroom should be back up to a decent temp.

now that I took all this time to write this I need to go make supper.. which I actually planned in advance ( a bit) so hopefully it won't take too long.