Monday, March 30, 2009

long silence...soo busy these days

Each of us has characteristics we define as 'good' and those we define as 'bad.' The parts of ourselves that we continually reject want to be acknowledged and loved. Until we honour these aspects, they will continue to assert themselves. They will do whatever they can to get our attention.

What aspects of yourself do you reject?

Take a few moments to open to the parts of yourself that you do not love. See each one honestly for what it is. Explore the wounds and the motives that gave rise to its condition. Love a wounded part of yourself and it will heal.


I've been trying to do some deeper evaluation of myself these days and see why I am the way I am.. I mean I KNOW why I am the way I am to an extent. We can call it nature...the brain chemistry I've been given is not anything I can deny, change, or get rid of, but I can learn to live with it better.

Struggling with Auditory Processing Disorder and ADHD is not easy.. but to try to explain the depths that it affects my life and the lives of the people who I live with is almost impossible. People do not think ADHD and go, oh wow, ADHD impairs you enough to cause you to be on a disability pension?!

umm yes it does.

The dealing with Auditory processing dysfunction on top of that makes things REALLY REALLY HARD, and  until recently I never really realized just HOW much it impares me. I was not aware just how much i hide my inability to hear people when there is background noise, too many voices in the room, etc. I didn't realize that it impaired my judgment on being able to understand people with thick accents. I never realized just how much mental power it takes in a day for me to process everything I hear and have to try and filter out. I didn't realize how  half the arguments I have with my husband or children, are due to me not hearing properly what i being said, making an assumption, and basing my next statement or decision on THAT info, and it being a total and complete miscommunication that leads to  upset people, hurt feelings, and MAJOR frustration on every one's part.


I hate that I make SO many mistakes all the time. that I lose stuff, forget things, burn dinner misread the directions and get us lost, mis calculate the numbers and  screw up the banking etc etc. I've spent so much time in my life trying to hide my shortcomings from everyone else for fear of big ridiculed for them, AND for being emotionally beaten down in my younger years for being "day dreamy" scatterbained and cumbsy, that I will deny until I am blue in the face such an incident even if the evidence is right there for all the world to see. and then I just look insane, like a liar.


Studying Buddhism for the last 8ish years has lead me down a path of finding out who I really am, it has given me the strength I needed thus far... but there is such a long journey still ahead of me. I try to make it about the journey and not the destination, but it is never easy to stay mindful of such things al the time.The road is sometimes VERY bumpy and the hills are VERY high to climb...some days I'm too tired to keep going.


 I've been trying to work on actually finding out WHAT I want in life... not this is not some kind of midlife crisis.. I've always been evaluating this, but I'm trying to prioritise what is important, what NEEDS to be done and what doesn't etc.

What is it that my subconscious seeks so badly that i will do emotionally dysfunctional things to achieve, almost regardless of the cost.. I'm still analysing....What do i want to do...what do I LIKE to do, what do i LOVE to do, not just what am i capable of doing, because honestly.. I'm probably capable of pretty much doing just about anything I have interests in. So what do i like to do, what gives me and my family pleasure, and what can I let go.... since I like to do so many thing sand have yet till a list of things I want to do and try that I have no time for. 


So far this is what I know.


I am a people person.

I have the "gift to gab"

I can sing, and VERY good at it, and enjoy doing so. it brings me peace internally, but I'm terrified to sing in public anymore since I stopped drinking.

I like photography I like painting, and I've figured out what kind of photography I like to do, so I'm leaving the other kinds behind.

I'm very inventive & creative about re purposing stuff

I'm poor at organization

I'm physically clumsy

I'm poor at internal time telling

I hardly ever finish ANYTHING I start and I want to change that, I want to feel like I can accomplish something, be proud of myself for a FINISHED job. I feel the need to

I get very deeply upset when I make mistakes and disappoint people. I don't like people around me to be sad or unhappy.

I get very upset when people don't take time to know me and then make assumptions about my life.

I want to be recognized for the things I do that I am good at.. on an overall scale.. I'm not talking personally by people in my house necessarily because the recognition is there. I'm talking about on a larger scale. I don't mean I need or want to be worldwide famous, but I'd like some recognition  for my creativity and hard work, and good ideas, and have them bring my family some financial Independence and capabilities...


ohh .. I'd write more.. but i'm tired, and my brain is feeling like mush and tomorrow is grocery day


2 comments:

Too Many Hats said...

You know yourself very well. To have that much self-insight is special all on its own. You challange your readers to do something really hard. I am going to have to chew on it a little.

Too Many Hats said...

Hi! I tagged you on my blog. Take a look.