Latest Portraits

My hubby did a photo session with me and the kids.. he refuses to get behind the camera.. typical photographer...here are some pictures.. but he wants me to warn... theya re low res, and therefore may seem not sharp.. not a aproduct of his skilz... my upload choice :P

My hubby did a photo session with me and the kids.. he refuses to get behind the camera.. typical photographer...here are some pictures.

One Word Wednesday

Where are you right now? Living
Are you bored? no
What day is today? hump
Are you happy? yes
Do you have a lot of friends? no
Are you close with them? yes
Who do you tell everything to? DH
Is that person your best friend? yes
Does your best friend call you their best friend? yes
Does your best friend have other best friends? no
Do you ever fight with your best friend? YES
Does your best friend know everything about you? yes
Do you know everything about your best friend? maybe?
Are your friends jealous of your best friend?dunno
Do you miss being a kid? NO
Who was the last person to call you? propane
Who was the last person to text you? Hubby
Who was the last person to comment on your latest facebook status? none
Do you have twitter? YES
Who was the last person to @ msg you on twitter? toomanyhats
Which do you like better facebook or twitter? equal
Do you have any tattoos? no
Do you have any piercings? yes
Do you have any regrets? lots
What are you wearing?black
What was the last movie you watched? uggg
Who was the last person to email you? the Universe
Is that person a close friend? ok
Who was the last person you talked to? son
What did you say? bed!
Do you wish you were somewhere else?nope
Are you a nice person? depends
Do people like you? maybe
Have you ever been out of the country? USA
Where would you like to go?everywhere
What song are you listening to? asshole
Are you getting bored of this survey? yep
What's your favorite thing to eat? food

One Word Wednesday

NOISY!

Day Trip.

I had an appointment with my Dr for my ADD in the city, so we took the opportunity to stop a few places and take some pictures.

These are a few I took.

We got some free skid wood from behind a home depot as well, which should do us for about 5 days or so as well. so it was a pretty productive day all told, except that hubby stepped on a nail while breaking up the skids. :( thankfully he just had a tatanus shot recently, and it was a clean non rusty nail...we've cleaned it up, and though it is sore, I think it will be ok.

Family day 2009

Happy " Just another day" My Valentine's Day thoughts

so.. I was just sitting here, and watching the tweets rolls by on Twitter in the early Am hours post V day. I noticed a lot of  women talking about it being nice and what they got as gifts. still a  lot more tweeting about getting home from evening out, and needing to get out of the clothes they are in to get comfortable, and still others tweeting about how their V-day sucked over all.

It was then that the word Comfortable hit me, and I smiled, and I thought... mmmmm comfortable... yes I am.. and I love it. I would not want to be any where else.

I admit that I once fell victim to this made up holiday that does nothing more than make everyone feel unloved and lonely at some point in their lives, and in my opinion, holidays are supposed to make people feel loved and special. I spent a lot of my teen years without a date to the Valentine dance, and therefore didn't go, and felt ugly and fat and unloved, I spent my early 20's trying to make up for that my dating anyone who would even look my way, and even married one of them! ( uggg)... I used to dress up, and spend hours on my hair and make up to go out.

I get how it all works... but there is so much beyond that surface.

I worked in bars as a Karaoke Hostess in my 20's and it was just a given that as the hostess, showing off your boobs, batting eyelashes, flirting, getting and keeping the attentions of male Patrons and looking good doing it, would keep me  hired by the bar to come back and bring in the customers for them to sell drinks to. I've been here, done that.

I get the whole sell the package to date someone in order to find a mate, possibly one you'll marry. But that is not who you really are. is it? It is not who I am.. thought I admit, to meet my husband for the first time, I spent a considerable amount of time preparing to meet him ( and terrified to death he'd hate how I looked, being too short and too chubby)

I hated that, and not being seen for who I really was on the inside...but I did it anyway, because that is what society says we as women need to do...sell ourselves sexually in order to be liked.

Perhaps 10 year has matured me, and I've gained wisdom, or at least I'd like to think it has, and I have not just become complacent. Thought I can guarantee you some of those girls crying themselves to sleep alone tonight, or having meaningless drunk " I don't want to be alone on Valentine's day" sex with some guy who'll leave tomorrow morning and will never see them again would look at me and say I'm crazy, or laugh and say I've fallen victim to the  "being married-going to pot" issue they will never find themselves in, but I don't care... I'm comfortable and I think they could learn a thing of two from it.

They can laugh at all they want....I hope they find someone to be comfortable with soon, who loves them for who they really are, because being comfortable is OHHHH SOOO wonderful!

My husband didn't buy me chocolates, or roses, or diamonds, he didn't make me breakfast in bed. He didn't take me out to a  romantic dinner that costs a day's salary, or spend twice as much on a bottle of wine to get me tipsy in hopes I'd "put out " later.

I didn't spend hours worrying about what I'd wear, or how I looked, pouring myself into some tight pair of leather pants, stiletto high heel boots, and cinching myself up into a corset to show off my boobs, in order to get sexual attention from him. ( I mention this because someone tweeted that as I was reading...that's what they were taking off after a night at a bar, and coming home alone, upset that the efforts were in vain)

If it wasn't so sad that these people are creating their own misery on this made up holiday I'd laugh at the fact that as a "frumpy married housewife and stay at home mother" I got lucky more times today then they have in probably a month. But I don't take pleasure in other people's pain ( even if it is misery and pain they have caused themselves merely by their own perceptions and thoughts)

So just what IS comfortable? What made a perfect Valentines day for me?

First I didn't have an expectation, it was just another day.

I woke up this morning to a soft kiss on the back of my neck and a loving snuggle under the blankets. My children came and said good morning, and then want off to pay with & feed the dog, play Wii, eat breakfast, and left hubby and I alone to enjoy some alone time...sure it wasn't  "sexy and steamy" like in the movies...sure we had to stop about 6 times and go check on them to make sure they were not torturing the dog and to get them to stop fighting over the Wiimotes...but it was good, and real, and relaxing and wonderful, and the kids didn't even haved a clue.

Then I got up, leaving hubby to rest and nap some, and went and got some wood for the house, and let the kids play in the workshop riding their bikes. We came in and was greated by Hubby who was up feeling somewhat rested from his extra sleep. Throughout the afternoon there was small moments of affection, kisses and winks, and hugs, between making the kids get their snacks off the floor, getting the fire going, and make the kids stop fighting over the heart shaped  sugar cookies we baked the night before.

Then we decided to go into the city to find some scrap pallets for free heat and to take in a movie with some free movie passes we have. This didn't mean all of a sudden I went running off to plan my attire etc....I pulled my hair back in a pony tail, changed my shirt to one with long sleeves. put on clear lip gloss, my winter boots and coat, got the kids and hubby in the van and off we went.

Our valentine's day meal was McD's burgers in the van of the Wal-Mart parking lot, where we went to allow our 4 year old son to buy some things with his birthday money from his Nana.

While we were there we picked up milk, because we needed it.

Then we went to a movie...hubby and I sat together, with kids on either side of us ( to keep them from fighting) we enjoyed the movie, we text messaged each other while watching the movie LOL ( we're geeks LOL) the kids loved the movie, and we enjoyed watching them watch it and enjoy it.

Then when left the movie, we got in the van and went and grabbed some  busted up pallets/skids from behind a store in the city that offers them free for the taking, and drove home. The kids slept in the back seat after about the first 15 minutes of the over 1 hour drive. During that drive home, Hubby and I chatted and laughed, joked and smiled. It was comfortable, and it was good.

We came home and got the kids to bed, and as I write this, DH is now sitting behind me at the stove making fire to warm us up again after being gone for over 7 hours. Then we are going to go to bed, and we'll snuggle and go to sleep, or maybe not... and then we'll go to sleep.

Comfortable is a good place to be :)

being happy, or being miserable is all in how you chose to see things.

How do you see it?

I hope you saw it as a good day, no matter what status you are ( single /married or otherwise)

Happy "just anoher day"

My Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

Celebrity Collage of my hubby by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

An open letter to Kraft Canada & Mr Christie Crackers

I just opened a "family size" box of Salted top Premium Plus crackers to make lunch for my husband. I put the sleeve on the plate for him to open them and use at his discretion, walking away to continue lunch for the children. He called me into the room and told me to look at the cracker and I immediately noticed that the crackers are no longer square, they are in fact very visibly a rectangle now. In fact I measured them and they are 5 to 6 mm (or .5 cm) shorter on one side.

I would like to think that this is a manufacturing mistake you are unaware of, but sadly I know it is not. I have seen too many companies recently downsizing the amount of food they sell us, in the same looking package, charge the same, or even more then the price before, claiming the cost of ingredients and production, transportation, and the shape the economy is in is making these changes a necessity. We even get carefully worded guilt trips from companies telling us that if you don't do this, you'll have no choice but to discontinue making our cherish and beloved products you offer us...and ya I know, it works for the most part.. the average consumer sucks it up and thinks..."well. it's not THAT bad really... and I really want to still be able to buy my ".

Maybe I could forgive you if I didn't feel so lied to right now. But, the picture on the box shows the crackers are still square, in fact, they are lifesize, they always were. It's a marketing thing, I know.

Though you may have changed the number in grams on the corner of the box to reflect the change and that is all you're required to do, you know full well that if the box looks the same, and it is a trusted product that your customers have been buying for years, they won't take notice of the weight change of the contents in the box.

I can assure you though, HAD I noticed this in the store, I would not have purchased them at all. You rely on people like me shopping in a rush with two small children distracting me to not notice the changes, until we've already bought them, and get home and open them. You then hope we'll be complacent enough to not care, or be too busy to concern ourselves with returning the product, and then hope that we will forget by the next grocery trip and buy them again. You rely on this until we, the general population, just shrug in indifference and keep buying them anyway, because by then, what's the point of complaining. Right?

This is a clear manipulation by your marketing & package design departments, and is a clearly a blatant case of false advertisement you'd hope would slip by without much complaint. Well, Mr. Christie, let me assure you, I don't like being manipulated and lied to and being treated like an idiot.

Perhaps it will just slip by most people. Perhaps you don't care that I've noticed and am upset by this, because I'm just one representative of a small percentage of customers who would take the time to write and complain about this. But I will not sit silent and let you think that you are getting away with this without it being noticed.

I have eaten Premium Plus crackers since I was 4 months old and my mother fed them to me when I was teething, and sadly,at 35 years old, after this box is gone (which I will consume is disgust only to not waste my money) I will no longer be purchasing your crackers.

Sincerely, A mother, wife, and main household shopper in your prime demographic.

One Word Wednesday

So I've been trying to come up with a Blog "meme" for my posts.. but I didn't want to do other people's memes... and hve been trying to come up with one.. so this one is going around facebook, and I thought I would start "One Word Wednesday"

Maybe I'll come up with a few different questions from somewhere to answer every wednesday, or maybe I'll just post one word... but here it is. My first One word Wednesday

Remember - you can only use ONE WORD in answering each question.

Where is your cell phone?
clevage

Your hair?
ponytail

Your father?
short

Your favorite thing?
family

Your dream last night?
<shudder>

Your favorite drink?
Coke

Your dream/goal?
stressless

The room you are in?
Living

Your fear?
Loss

Where do you want to be in 6 years?
here

Muffins?
suck

One of your wish list items?
clothes

Where you grew up?
island

The last thing you did?
baked

What are you wearing?
shirt

Your TV?
Samsung

Your pets?
lots

Your computer?
dead

Your life?
C.R.A.P.

Your mood?
<sigh>

Missing someone?
some

Your car?
Wooluga

Favorite store?
tig

Your summer?
eventful

Your favorite color?
green

When was the last time you laughed?
seconds

Last time you cried?
hours

Three people who email me?
mothers

Three of my favorite foods?
Sweets

Three places I would rather be right now?
alseep

Three people I think will respond?
mothers

it's the little things

On Monday I was feeling like totaly crap after catching some kind of bug at the party we did a photo shot at on Saturday. But the weather was nice, ( above freezeing) and though DD was sick as well, we NEEDED wood, and we had to just suck it up and go do it. so we went off to a freind house ( said friend who sold us the wood stove in fact) and chopped up some dead fall behind her garage and used a  sled to drag it over to the car over the snow in the side yard, and fill the back of the van with wood.

It didn;t take too long , but it totally sucked the energy out of me to do it. The last round of cutting with the chain saw, hubby took the saw and carved our initals in a block of wood. It seems so stupid and silly, but that to me, is better then a dozen roses or chocolates :)

I smiled and told him that now I would not be able to burn that log, I'd have to keep it and varnish it, to preserve it. He asked me why, and said it wasn't even the best he could do, he was just fooling around. I didn't care. it was spontanious, and I loved it. I told him that I would keep it and when I'm 92 and the great grandkids are visiting me and he's dead and gone, that I'd tell them about their great grandfather andhow sweet he was, and how he had crved that for me, the first winter we were in this house, and that he did it with that old fashioned tool called the chain saw...lol. he then of course, being the man that I love and adore... started to joke around in an old man voice saying stuff like we heard our grandparents say... " back in the day, we had to chop and haul our own wood, we didn't have it as good as you kids have it today, where you just plant a tree and press a button and it falls to the ground already dried and cut and split ready to burn!"

I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes LOL...

here's a pic of the wood :)

( today is the 10th anniversary of our private committment ceremony too. just coincidently)

son to bed & SLEEPING-gave melatonin 50 min before bed time-He was in much better mood 2day!
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Melatonin to the MAX!!

So, I mentioned a few posts back that I'm reading some books on ADHD  to refresh my memory, and to apply it to the kids and their hyper ways, scatterbrain issues, and the whole non compliance issues we are having with 2 adhd (plus) kids, and a ADHD mommy who forgets to be consistent in the routine department and consequences to keep them in a routine ( which is how ADHD kids cope best)

Some of the techniques have been things we did before, but me and my ADHD ways, I forget, stop doing them, and things go back to the chaos.But the last two days have been decent when I started the "1,2,3 magic" over again, and I've been able to nip unwanted behaviour in the bud by usually the calm but firm count of two.

One of the biggest issues of ADHD kids is night insomnia...and their inability to "shut off their brain" and get to sleep, they just keep going and going and going, and even when they are totally exhausted and totally crabby and bawling on a puddle on the floor from frustration, they still have a hard time some days falling asleep. it is completely physically and mentally and emotionally exhausting for all involved, and everyone ends up short tempered when lack of decent sleep sets in.

Last night hubby and I were laying in bed chatting and reading the books and comparing notes, and for like the 6th night in a  row, our 8 year old daughter who has been having ever increasing issues falling asleep due to her compulsive worrying and anxieties, comes in unable to sleep again, very frustrated with herself, and upset...I mention to hubby that the book I'm reading mentioned melatonin, and it was something I'd forgotten about. He reminded me that he had some he stopped using because the doctors recommended it for his CFS, but it gave him adverse side effects due to his strange and complex system functioning. So he took out the bottle, read it to see recommendations, weighed our daughter, determined a safe dose and gave it to her for a try. She took it after much convincing and crushing the small pill, and went back to bed, and nothing more was said. She seemed to fall asleep, but we were not sure how long she laid and read or watched a dvd to do so.

Then, she slept in until noon!!! And we had to get up and out the door for a party. she was SOOOO crabby...Yesterday we went to a birthday party for some friend's youngest daughter ( first bday), and we were there for a good 4 hours since I was hired to do photography for the party for them, and since I was busy flitting about the room, my kids filled up on pop and chips and other  hyper inducing foods with very little substance...we got home and once again our children were too hyper at even midnight to sleep ( usual bedtimes is 8:30 and 10 pm) they were fighting and jumping around, watching dvd's trying to "settle" in the kid den, and I was so mentally exhausted i didn't care if they did or did not sleep, I was just at LEAST hoping for a hyper focus on their parts of a movie they liked so I could have some silence and hear myself think after being at a party with over 35 people!

So, forward to today, they had finally fell asleep at like 3 ish AM, and we were heading to bed at like 4 am, because we NEED some no kid, alone time that doesn't involve sleeping side by side....they slept until about 11 am, and got up, and were their usual busy, energetic selves, running all over the house and just going totally full throttle all day.

I was so not in any position today to hear their fighting and arguments, and trying to explain personal space to a wiggling 4 year old...I'm feeling like I am getting some stomach bug of some kind, and my plans to do anything productive to make up for my total lack of housework the last 3 days was  foiled...i did a few dishes and cleaned up after the stuff they did today, so as not to have a COMPLETE disaster to clean up tomorrow or whenever I feel better, and I was mentally drained and in no mood to deal with kids again until 3 am!  

Hubby reminded me to try them both on melatonin tonight, so I broke up the doses and put it in their drinks at the table for their evening lunch ( snack really, but in Cape Breton the  food and tea consumed between the large evening meal and bedtime is called lunch)

Within 35 minutes, my son who ate his lunch licking his milk from a bowl to "play puppy" while he danced standing on the chair while eating his food, yelling and singing at the top of his lungs to annoy the pants off his sister, was laying over the computer chair in the living room, starting to look TIRED!!! and my daughter, who during her lunch at the table being pestered by her little brother ans was whining in piercing tones to tell me to make him stop bugging her and SCREAMING at him while she swung her leg from the chair in a  rhythmic motion to keep moving, was sitting easily without figitting beside hubby looking at the latest video going around on twitter ( david after the dentist!) and was giggling, not LAUGHING so loud that she was shreaking and getting wound up!!!! I looked at them and almost wondered where my children were and who replaced them with these reasonable replicas!! I then said to hubby.."I gave them the melatonin at lunch eh?" and he said, " you mean just now?" ( he still cannot understand why we east coaster call it lunch) and I said Ya.. he looked at Bupba and was in shock! " he's actually TIRED!!!"

Usually bedtime is an hour fight to get them upstairs and requires me to be with them for 4 to 5 story books, dark rooms, and whispering and keeping them in their rooms. Tonight I said " time for bed I think" and told them to head on up, and they pretty much went without arguing with ME or each other!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went up to check on them and found them laying on the floor in the den camped out watching fox and the hound being very interested and quiet and NOT climbing the shelves, jumping off the desks etc....so I just left them....then I went back and checked again... in less then 20 minutes of them tucking THEMSELVES in ( albeit on the floor in the den with fox and the hound playing on the TV but who am I to be a stickler at THIS point!), they were both asleep!!!!!!

I almost began to cry from relief!!!... it is ALMOST 2 am here, and hubby and I have had about an hour and a half of alone time already!!! I hope this is NOT an anomaly and that this will continue!!!!

Tomorrow night, I'll give them the melatonin with a snack   half hour before their respective set bedtimes and see where it takes us...lets hope we've hit on something to help them regulate their sleeping issues.

Now for the crappy part.....hubby is trying to convince ME to take melatonin too, so maybe I'll get to bed before 5 am and sleep better in the night....and I'm resisted the urge to argue about it, because 2 am is when I do my best hyper focusing on stuff like getting my website updated, or chat with my friend on gmail, or tweet, or blogging.... etc... LOL...

jumbo shrimp

is there such a thing?

Quote of the day

Develop the mind of equilibrium. You will always be getting praise and blame, but do not let either affect the poise of the mind: follow the calmness, the absence of pride.

Confessions of "ADDGirl"

So...some people don't get this "personal" on their blogs and I always wonder where the line might be, but I've decided recently that I'm not going to censor myself this way...and besides there are only about 4 or 5 of you who read this on any regular basis, and we are all human, and I write this to be "me".. so if I reveal a real part of me....that's ok. I've been working on accepting that not everyone in the world will like me and that it is OK to not be liked by everyone and it is not necessary to feel anxiety of someone doesn't like me for any reason, be it a legitimate reason, or one they perceive that is just not true.

I, as a lot of people... have emotional baggage, I'm sure my baggage is just baggage to many, and to others it would be the kind of baggage, that makes you thankful for your own baggage. But... being a child who grew up with ADD and learning disabilities unknown to anyone, including themselves.. and being a kid who grew up in a family of drinkers, I have a LOT of emotional baggage.. like huge LUGGAGE that needs to be checked in to be carried around. Over the years I have been able to find peace in my life and work out some emotional stuff, to be able to downsize my emotional Baggage to just a few carry on pieces. But they are always still there, reminding me, making it hard to walk down the narrow aisles of life, smacking other passengers in the shoulder, and leaving me full of anxiety, upset, sadness, frustration, and much more wishing I could be a minimalist and just throw out the carry on bags and be done with it.

Anyway.. I tell you all of that to tell you this...The largest article in my carry on baggage is anxiety about most social situations & the relationships I have with people in my life....my spouse, my children, my neighbors, acquaintances, extended family etc... I worry constantly about how people look at me ( opinions) how I behave in situations etc.. you know a basic need (addiction) for approval by people... to the point that lack of obvious signs of approval from people, makes me think they don't like me, I made them mad and that's why they don't call, so then I avoid them. fear of saying the wrong thing, not being "cool, nice, important, funny etc" enough to be their friend etc.

this has caused me to be a "people pleaser" all of my life, and led me to job in the caregiver field being a personal care worker for people with disabilities.

Anyway...It is something that drives me NUTS, and something I wish I could change in myself without taking anxiety drugs prescribed by a doctor, and without coping with alcohol as I did in my early 20's.

This whole thing, I've known for some time, stems from my basic relationship with my mother as a child. the person as a baby/child trusted the most, looked to for my needs to be met. The issue was that my mother was 16,and practically a baby herself emotionally with the MASSIVE check in luggage she started her adult life with, and therefore she was literally incapable of providing me with the solid foundations I needed to foster relationships and nurture them in a positive way in my life. AS a result of being an ADD child with learning disabilities I was no doubt a challenge to parent growing up. There was a lot of "emotional abuse" in my life growing up, and I've known for a long time that it colored the way I act, react, and come at the relationships in my life with people.

this could end up turning into a book, but I'll save that, and just touch the points as best I can...at 30 years old and during the pregnancy of my second child my hidden ADD got bad.. to the point of putting me in mental inertia, and I felt like I was going in circles with one foot nailed to the floor. I was a complete mental wreck from the raging pregnancy hormones playing with my brain chemistry. So much so, I sought help from a counselor, who recommended me to an ADD Doctor because she thought that was the issue. I was diagnosed shortly after my son's birth in 2005. I started to read some books about ADD as much as I could to grasp as much as I could about it to try and make positive changes in my life, to learn to manage the ADD and not let it manage me. It was bad enough that is made my marriage have times of serious stress, and my husband and I fought and argued a lot....there were times when I could not take the stress and thought... a LOT that i should just leave the relationship, because it didn't matter what I did, I was just not able to make it work.

I'd been trying to tell my husband for the last 4 years or so since my diagnosis, that even given his very high level of patience for my daily mess ups, and slip ups, forgetfulness, disorganization, and ease with which I can create chaos that he didn't understand where I was coming from because he could not possibly understand what it is like to have ADD and personally live with being a flake so much.

I have terrible self esteem as it is, and I beat myself up emotionally as was done to me as a child every time I mess up. by the time he sees the mess up and starts getting upset at me( even when it is totally within reason that he SHOULD be upset about it) I've already been chastising myself about it, and that little chastiser in my brain suddenly gets defensive and snaps back at him because he is stepping on her territory...it was the best way I could describe it, because that it what happens when he expresses his disappointment and frustration sadness, or even anger at something my ADD is responsible for. ( this can occur a lot, because well...I mess up a lot, and we argue every time it does because I tell him, he needs to not complain so much, and he tells me I have no idea how much he holds back and doesn't say.)

So recently, with the kids being completely out of hand with the routines and hyperness and ADD qualities I seem to have passed onto them, I put some books on hold at the library to read about ADHD parenting. I figured a little reeducation on ideas for myself, as well as for things to do with the kids to make things less chaotic in the home would be a benefit to everyone.

I ordered a book that is brand new in the stores, and our library bought it and we were the first to put a hold on it and get it in. While I was reading Daredevils and DayDreamers, my husband started reading the new one, called "SuperParenting for ADD".

After he read the first chapter he had an epiphany, and we had what I think is a significant turning point in our relationship regarding my ADD, and if that is the ONLY thing that book was good for then it has done good by me...(but I have a feeling it will be even better as each page is read, for us as parents of kids with ADD)

so, he reads the first chapter and then once the kids were in bed, started a conversation with " so, when I get mad at you, and you feel like you're "getting in trouble" as you call it..tell me how you feel... tell me what you're thinking in those moments."

So I started to rhyme off some stuff, not getting deep about it.. and he kept asking me to think more....and I was getting annoyed...I just wanted to relax, not get all philosophical and deep. But he pressed gently/firmly and said he was curious and wanted to know, and didn't want to give me any leads. He wanted to hear from ME what I felt.... so I thought about it, and talked about it, and I told him that I don't feel like he loves me anymore when he gets upset with me, or is disappointed in me...I started to get emotional...damn I hate when he makes me cry cause he makes me go deep in the luggage to find crap. ( but at the same time I love him for it.. he is my biggest supporter, best friend, and one of the biggest reasons I've come this far emotionally).

So we started talking and I told him that I don't feel loved, and that I hate disappointing him, because I just want him to be happy all the time and never be disappointed in me, or upset, or sad or hurt by something I've done. I told him I can't handle when people are mad at me, and it bothers me deeply. Then he asked me "but don't you know that it is just you're behavior, or the consequences we endure due to your ADD moments that I'm not happy with and that I still love you no matter what?" to which I promptly started cry and told him, in fact no I don't know that he still loves me at all. One of the biggest things that always hurts me so much when he gets upset with me, is that he can seem to walk away from it to cool off and does cool off and then never touches on it again, and I am left there still full of anxiety and resentment and fear and sadness feeling totally unloved like a complete failure, because of just how much I often do mess up ( daily, hourly sometimes even...there are days I should have never gotten out of bed because my brain chemistry is just not gonna allow me to function in any decent way at all)

He was surprised and said he really didn't think of it that way, and that it just occurred to him as he read the book because it explained how kids with ADD treated negatively emotionally by their parents can often end up having that color the way they have relationships for the rest of their lives.

I was never jealous of it, but he is always very good at letting the kids know that he was disappointed in their behavior but that he still loves them no matter what etc, and would hug them, wink, or give a pat on the head, and they would go off smiling and happy again. He said that it had never even occurred to him that I never got that kind of treatment as a child, and even thought we've talked about it, he didn't think about the fact that perhaps I was never told the behavior was negative, but i w as still loved.

I confirmed, while crying my eyes out, that yes, that is the case, and that knowing after I burn his roastbeef for the millionth time in ten years, or forget something, or break something, that he still loves me, would go a long way in making me feel less of a failure, and help me know that he still loves me. (I did take the moment to point out too, that with my learning disability, if I can't learn to consistently and properly cook a roast in the 10 years we've been together, perhaps the beef dinners would be best left to him, and we'd all be happy. LOL :))

It's been a few days since that talk now, and he's been his ever patient self, we're working on communication...me being more open instead of getting defensive right away, and him listening... and he's been being more attentive in the way I need him to be attentive.. not with flowers and crap, but with changing the way he approaches the way he guides me when we cook together, and being sure that he lets me know that he loves me...lovey and even sexy text messages in the midst of being upset with me, is helping me know that he is not taking away his love just because I messed up yet again and he has no clean socks to wear out of the house and I forgot to vacuum the living room floor AGAIN today like I said I was trying to get to, etc etc.

in a way it sucks that I have to mother the ADD child in me that never got the foundation she needed to be a better emotional functioning adult.... and it sucks that my husband is in essence paying the emotional debt left by others in my love bank, but we're getting there... and hopefully in time to be the kind of supportive positive mother my children need with their ADD in order to give them a fighting chance at managing their ADD traits in adulthood better.

Last night we cooked a dinner together and managed to get through it without arguing and actually smiling and enjoying ourselves by the time it got to the table, rather then me feeling upset, and misunderstood, and resentful and defensive walking away to try and gather myself again. It was nice. the food was really good. the best roast beef I've had in a Long time ( because I didn't cook it... LOL)... and I want it to continue.

anyway.. I'm off to bed, cause this took me over an hour to write out with the interruptions and it's late and hubby's patiently (?) waiting for me to finish this.

So there ya have it.... confessions of "ADDgirl" as my hubby fondly calls me ( and I actually don't mind)

Uggg-this inner healing stuff really makes for intense crying spells to release the toxic C.R.A.P.
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My baby turned 4 today!

Today my son turned 4 yeas old.
On friday he declared while cuddling in bed with hubby and I in the morning, that he wanted an outside birthday. With his Bday being on a weekday it was going to be hard to plan anything in such short notice, but some friends have kids who were not in school today so they came sledding with us for his bday.

the weather was PERFECT and we had a BLAST, hotchocolate and cupcakes were enjoyed and everyone had a good time... though my tooshie is VERY sore now!!!!

here are some pics from the day's events :)

Hubby took most of the pictures, and decorated the cake this year too :)

25 things about Me

this is a note going around face book right now, that I was tagged for by my friends and did...

1. Stupid People annoy me
2. I rarely share my talents with people for fear of being called a "know it all" or arrogant.. mainly because I hate people who claim they have talent, don't in fact have any, and are arrogant about it because they don't know they don't.
3. I hate cooking, I don't have the attention for it
4. I love sweets way too much
5. I worry way too much...about everything
6. I hate shopping..maybe because i can't afford "fun shopping"
7.I love power tools, I'd rather be in at home depot or Princess Auto then a woman's clothing store
8.I hate the taste of Coffee and don't get the whole Timmie's craze or the Starbucks phenomenon, I've never bought a coffee, and I don't get why anyone would pay $4.00 for cup of something that tastes like shit and needs to be covered up with half the cup filled with sugar and cream. I do however, like the smell of coffee and wish I could like it, but I just can't.
9. I don't drink alcohol...except on very rare occasions.. like holidays, new years etc... and I have not been drunk in about 5 years. i could totally be a drunk easily, because i love crown royal and ginger, and love sparkly white wines A LOT.I could easily be an alcoholic if i wanted to be.
10. I love hot chocolate, as much as you probably love your Timmie's coffee, but I rarely drink it.
11. I communicate better in email & written form then I do in person for the most part, and worry all the time people thing I'm strange/rude because of it.
12.I have ADD and have lost the ability to concentrate on this so many times, i'm only at number 12 and I've been writing it for over an hour.
13. I am dyslexic.. that doesn't mean i see letters backwards, but it affects how i process what i read, my spelling, and ability to pronounce words right.
14. I am hearing impaired. I have audio processing disorder that makes it hard for me to talk to people in a crowd, over the phone or where background noise it. I read lips a lot. I often don't hear what people say right and make a fool of myself. Like today outside a family had a dog, and I thought they were calling it "blister" and i asked if it was a he or she.. turns out the dogs name is "mister"...woohoo
15. I taught myself to play the guitar at 13 years old, i write country music and sing...so well I could be famous... but since I stopped drinking in my 20's I have too much anxiety to sing in front of anyone anymore.
16. I'd like to change that about myself & make a CD of my music.
17. I love living in the country, it's totally me
18. I rarely wear makeup, takes too much time
19. I met my husband on the Internet, everyone said you can't find true love on the internet. we've been together for 10 years now.
20. i don't have friends, lots of acquaintances, but very few true friends. if i had to say i had a BF I'd say it would be SJSH, and she knows who she is.
21. I used to be a Karaoke hostess for a living.
22. I love my husband more than life itself, he is my best friend
23. I adore my children so much it makes my cry. I birthed them both at home in a kiddie pool, naturally with no drugs.
24. I chose to start living my life as a Buddhist over 9 years ago
25. I'm short (4 foot 11) and fat and I don't think I'm pretty... I hate everything about my physical self except my ears and my eyes.